I wish I could say I make fewer mistakes as I age. So, not true. I have always strayed from that straight arrow line. But, I truly am getting better at thinking before I act. I have learned, if it does not feel right, don’t do it. My father always said I did not learn from my own mistakes. He was wrong. I did. I was just slow at it…a slow learner, as it were.
I have learned to stay away from other people’s drama, the hard way, this last spring, and I absolutely will walk away from a person who is negative and saps the life out of me. In a way, it keeps me from developing very deep connections, because I have not quite figured it all out yet, but am safer with higher boundaries.
I am learning to communicate more exactly. So many times I speak without a filter. I am learning to watch myself and speak exactly what I mean. It is so easy for miscommunication, especially in this technological world.
Another thing I am learning, and have learned it well so far, is to let go of what I should not, could not, will not control. So much energy is used up for such wasteful ideas as thinking I can control anything but myself.
I have learned and relearned to redefine what love means to me. It is such an airy fairy word that has been tossed around as meaning commonality things. Even common things, for sure. I am learning what love means to me... my definition and connotation.
Somewhere I got the idea that speaking down about myself meant I was humble or something. I am not although I wish I were and calling myself down or negativing compliments, etc. has never made me humble. I am learning to curb my tongue when I find myself about to speak negatively or negating things about self. And how many times do I have to remind myself to be kind to myself? I am begin more gentle towards myself and trying to understand there was always a reason for an action and although I might have represented it all in the wrong way, I meant well. I always did what I did when I did them because I did not know any better. Now I know better and should remember no one else is bound to be kind to me except myself. If I were as kind to myself as I mean to be towards other people, I would be so much happier. There is enough meanness in the world without me exerting that on self.
As I close in on January 28th, and a very auspicious day for me; the ending of much and new beginnings of sorts, decades ago, I need to remember that my life is golden and on borrowed time, always. I need to make every moment worth having.
©Carol Desjarlais 1.25.21
No comments:
Post a Comment