Without realizing it, some of us are anxious, very anxious, perfectionist people. I am one, I know others that are. There are ways that others know we are. But,.. We have been it so long, we do not realize that we are. We might admit that we have realized we are perfectionists but we have no idea what burdens we carry that makes us so.
As children, we think everything that happens in and around us, is our fault in some way. We begin life thinking we are not “enough” in some way, and we live our lives accordingly with that perspective so that, when someone criticizes us, or something goes wrong in our life, or even in lives around us, we immediately think it is our fault. We project this, in ways that we can be bullied and victimized, which is not our fault, in any way, but does make us vulnerable. When we DO make mistakes, we cannot forgivbe ourselves, because, in our perspective, we are doing something wrong because there is something wrong IN us. We live through guilt and shame over everything. Good things are frightening because when good things happen, we can feel like this is just an indication that something bad is going to happen. When something is about to happen, or we think something is going to happen, we expect the worst. It is hard to feel joy and happiness because there always seems something will happen that will take that away from us in equal value. The smallest things are huge.
We think we have to live pretend lives because the real us would not be acceptable. “What if everyone knew?” We are afraid of abandonment so we would sell our souls to please others. We are rescuers of everyone but ourselves. We will sacrifice ourselves to be right about ourselves to the point that we would sacrifice our grace and dignity and take the blame for things that we know are not our fault. Yet, we will not stand up for our own truths.
We were bright children, but we would never admit that for fear of being “above” ourselves and our fear of being torn down for anything that we might do that might be seen as ‘good’. We are never enough. We are called ‘sensitive’ and/or \too empathetic’ as we grow up. We are told we should not ‘feel’ that way…but we DO feel that way and our feelings are negated by others. We are gifted, or said to be, as we mature, and we will negate that ourselves.
We try to do it all, and when we cannot do it, we feel, not that we have done our ‘best’, but that we should/would/could have done better. We feel we were not the perfect child, perfect teenager, perfect mother, perfect woman, perfect spirit/soul. Nothing anyone says sinks into the seat of our soul and we dismiss what is said because, “We know the truth of it”, we are a \try hard’ nothing more, nothing less. The words of our childhood sound loud in our head and we seem not to be able to drown those out since words, that are similar,. Come out of others mouths and compound the feelings, deep inside, that we are, indeed, ‘not enough’.
What do we do to turn this around and be who we really are, a perfectly perfect Self, that we are born without ‘sin’, and we have so many good qualities that we have not considered? How do we stop the negative self-analysis? How do we change this negative view of Self?
Yes, dang things happened in our life that were negative. Yes, we did take those things deep into our very hearts. Yes, something switched within where within only heard the negative and we swallowed the pain of being so and either acted out or simply took it in and expected more. But, how do we change our perspective from seeing/hearing/feeling the negative and accept more of the positive?
I relate totally to this. This is my struggle the last few years, to turn around, my negative self-view and try to accept compliments, even accolades, from my NOW and from my past that were given and I sloughed off.
When I was working with some troubled teens, I happened upon a young man who I was sure was Multiple Personality Disorder client. I had a peer and friend who was a licensed MPD psychologist. I had begun to have strange flashes of something that made my whole body react but the scene I saw was something I had not reality memory of. I wondered. I went to her and asked if she would do some hypnotherapy with me to see what this recurring image was about and why it was coming faster and faster. She told me that when the would is ready, they will come. And they were definitely coming. I had moved into a house with certain antique curtains over the bedroom window. I could not seem to sleep in there. I did not know what it was. But the scene I saw had visions of those curtains over a window. Through her therapy, I came to know that those curtains were the same as another very very early in childhood… the rest came out, under light hypnosis… I was able to rescue and comfort that baby. (She gave me a stuffed toy to hold, while I was under) When she brought me out, a mountain had been lifted off me. I knew. I knew who. He had long died. But I knew. I rocked that baby for a long time. The knowing, the rescue, set me free. I had work to do and still do.
I began looking at my life in a totally new way. I knew it was not my fault. I followed the path of my lifeline and realized a lot was not my fault. I had been enough and I was enough. (I realize that I rock when I am standing, sometimes. I looked at that rocking. That rocking was me trying to comfort myself. It does not always happen when I am in danger of any kind, or upset, ((triggered)) but I have a need for comfort, so I allow myself to rock back and forth on my feet.)
We deserve to be simply as we are. Our own unique, beautiful, enough, self. We are human and will make mistakes and have flaws. That is okay too because we can learn how to not internalize those things as personal faults, but as life as it happens. We do not have to please others. We need to make sure we please ourselves. We can only change ourselves and Creator is not finished with us until our last breath. We cannot change our past, but we can change how we think of it all. Life is not always fair. It is okay because in its unfairness is when we cope and carry on. When a negative self-thought comes up, stop it immediately and think it out. It is not always our fault. We have done the negativity for most likely a lifetime. We have time left to change how we think. Force yourself to think positively. No crutches, no maladaptive reactions, simply dealing with things as they come to mind and being rational about it all. Take responsibility when responsibility is truly merited. Forgive self and then forgive others. Live your life according to self.
I hope you learn to live life according to yourself! Much love… you matter. I matter. We all matter as flowers in this garden.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.23.22
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