You know how the youth nowadays say, “yaaaaaaNO!” when you ask them a question? It is like they have had a whole conversation with self, an internal inquisition for truth and NO was the real answer.
It is so easy to NOT express your true feelings. I was one who smiled all my life and no one, in the end, knew who I was. I had masked my authentic feelings so well, that when I told the truth of what had been happening in my life, it was hard for some others to accept my truth. “But you were always smiling!”. I was never loved for who I truly was, because I had not offered anyone my reality. I offered what I thought they expected of me. Eventually, even I did not know who I was. I was seeking approval rather than being accepted for my reality.
To really understand ourselves, we really need to take a look at how honestly we express our inner life. To deny, to conceal, to pacify others, to fit in, we may have denied our reality for so long that we cannot be/feel loved because we know we have not shown our true selves. I realized I had not lived a raw and real life.
I was most often one who would feel one thing and say another. I felt vulnerable but my dishonesty about my inner feelings did, in fact, make me more vulnerable. I had self-sabotaged myself. Being vulnerable took more courage than I could afford.
And then, I told a friend of over 40 years one my truths that had to do with her and hers, and the explosion of her acceptance of me sharing one of my most vulnerable truths imploded. Even though I prefaced the telling by saying I did not believe what I had been told, her translation of what I told her became betrayal rather than the building of love that had been between us. I had shared a very personal truth because it had laid between us for decades and I needed her to know how I had loved her in spite of something I had been told. She heard what she wanted to hear and her reaction to my truth was totally not that. I let her walk away believing what she chose to believe. I never defended myself. She chose the reaction of a middle school drama rather than talk it out. I chose to understand she had not been authentic with me either and I meant nothing to someone I had spent so much energy, emotion, compassion, and caring on for decades. My truth hurt indeed.
But, in the end, I am grateful I did not defend my truths. I am grateful for the courage it took to speak it and courage to brave on without her in my life. I was free of having to be concerned about her concerns. I was free to be my authentic self. Once that kind of relationship is broken, it cannot, and, in this case, should not, be continued. Although my emotional truth ended a relationship, it began a personal relationship with self that cannot be ever put in such a vulnerable position again. I know the truth and I shared my truth. What is done with our truths is not of our concern. The repercussions come, depending upon the relationship built over decades, may mean that the other can not take the truth. That is the reality of holding our truth for so long. I have learned a very important, yes, painful, truth. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts but NOT telling our truths can hurt worse.
From now on, “YaaaaNO! Will always be the NO it should have been. I need my own validation, care and compassion more than care and compassion for the UnREAL me.
The truth can hurt, but not telling our truth can hurt worse. It keeps us a fringe person. It keep us devaluing ourselves. To not be honest with ourselves allows for no real intimate, important relationships. Today, I am living my REAL raw and real self. No longer do I deny my inner feelings and thoughts about those feelings. It is a scary place to be after over 70 years of not being and expressing my authentic feelings. But it is, at last, my true self that I put out there.
I wish you the courage and bravery to take the backlash of your truths.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.19.22
No comments:
Post a Comment