We invalidate our own feelings. Again the “would’, “could”, and “should”: “wouldn’t”, “couldn’t”, “shouldn’t”. I should not take on this project because other(s) could do it better. I shouldn’t share my art because others are better at it than me. I should not tell that I am tired, stressed, sick, since other(s) have it worse. I should not share because it makes others think I am egotistical, arrogant and too proud. I could not share my feelings because other(s) will think I just want attention. I could do more but then I would look like I am overly productive. I should just get over myself. I wouldn’t be in this predicament if I could have, should have, would have…. The affect is rejecting and devaluing your capabilities, your feelings, your reality. The reality is you COULD and WOULD if you valued yourself. We allow ourselves to criticize ourself. We are judging ourselves. We are the ones who shame and guilt ourselves. In fact, we do not know how to regulate our thoughts and feelings, for whatever reason (childhood, parental influence, cultural influence…)
If you grew up feeling devalued, feeling unimportant to those who you feel should have thought you important, you can carry those thoughts into your maturity. In fact. You do not emotionally mature unless you do the work it takes to learn how to feel the real.
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
Robert Frost - 1874-1963
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
This is one of my favorite poems. How does it fit what I am writing about? The speaker of the poem has obligations to fill. He wants to stay and stay in contemplation. When we think of ourself, our feelings, sometimes it is easier to just stop and consider what we might be telling ourselves, what we allow society to tell us about ourselves. Have we had a moment where we stop and realize what peace there can be between what is our real self and what we tell/show others? Our feelings are “lovely, dark and deep”. And, sometimes we need to stop and really think about ourself, our real self. In moments of real clarity, it would be so nice to stay and feel our real feelings, not our conditioned sense of feelings. We ARE lovely, dark and deep! Our inner life and our outer life pushes and pulls at us and so often we give in and be our outer self because we are too vulnerable and fear is cold, when we are about other people’s way of thinking about us. Sometimes we know so little of ourself. As the speaker stops in a peaceful beautiful place, he has a decision to make. Does he let the jingle of the horse (critical voices of others) decide on which feelings we should feel? Does he stay and contemplate the beauty of that sublime moment of beauty of self awareness? We, the readers, do not know what his decision was, but I have a feeling, I think he bowed to obligations and went on to do business. But, sometimes, just sometimes… we should simply stop and find moments of personal inner peace and serenity of feeling our own feelings. It would be ever nice to simply feel serene and peaceful for the rest of our lives, but life can get in the way, and we bow to it.
Sometimes we need to stop and consider the validity of what we feel and why. Not only do we need to stop and contemplate, but we need to stay long enough, in that moment, to find an answer rather than plodding on in a same old same old path.
I wish us all to stop by the woods on a snowy evening…
©Carol Desjarlais 11.20.22
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