Primal Wound – “…there is a "primal wound" that develops when a mother and child are separated by adoption shortly after childbirth. It describes the mother and child as having a vital connected relationship which is physical, psychological and physiological, and examines the effects of disrupting such bonds.”- wikepedia
Who ever thinks of “bonding” as a problem? I do, and so do many others. If you know anything about the Primal Wound, you will get it right off.
We are meant to be tribal people. We need others to feel safe, to be something more than just ourselves. Why some are okay with being isolationists is not something I could ever be and is not healthy for me. It is robbing ourselves of full-dimensional living. We become more and more inside ourselves and less and less contributors to life. We forget how to listen and how to communicate.
We forget the other communications like eye-contact that fills our nervous system with senses of connection we can get no other way. We lose the ability to be intimate and vulnerable with others. We lose the softness of heart that being that kind of intimacy gives us.
Being with others teaches us to listen and learn to and from each other. When you add postures and the body language, tone and connotations, we move way beyond just text and writing. When we listen to other people speak, we develop deeper connections to each other.
Touch is another incredible thing we miss if we are isolationists. Touch creates emotional and psychological responses in us. It soothes, teaches trust, and has a language all its own. It even taches compassion that we would lack without being around others to touch.
My daughter absolutely rejects hugging. When she was born, she would arch her neck back away from you if you even tried to cuddle her. She like being swaddled but she was never a people person. Go figure she is a hairdresser. She also has good friends that do not let her get away with her A-frame hugs…lol… and a mother too. She did not like people even looking at her and cried in most of her professional photographs. Hugging is meant for comfort, for feeling safe, it causes us to develop oxytocin, the feel-good hormone. When children fear, they need to cling to someone. We are no different. Hugging is, and always has been, a form of great healing. It is why, when we are sad, wounded, in need of comfort, and alone, we will hug ourselves.
When we meet people, we can say that we ‘get them’, understand them, know them, right off. While this has yet to be proven to other than ourselves, we need to study people. To observe them, and see beyond our ‘idea’ of that person. We are so many layers of ME, YOU, US! We cannot even begin to know anyone, or, I suggest, even ourselves, without others to watch, study and know. If you think you do not know yourself, spend time around others and really get to know the few layers of the mm any layers they might show us. This is how we know ourselves. What a flatlined life we would lead if we cannot do this. To do this, we need people. Be curious. Be interested in someone other than yourself and you will open ways of knowing yourself you never dreamed of alone.
Bonding takes making connections. Making plans and keeping them with others is one of the most important things you can do for Self and others. We need to flourish. We cannot flourish alone. Look at plants and animals, and research what happens when a human being is totally isolated from others (i.e.: prisoner of war camps, prisons isolation, etc.) People go mad without contact of others. Surely this is evidence enough to not be an isolationist. We can get way too much into our own heads.
Bonding takes a clear head about what we need and what others need. We need to learn how to be kind to ourselves and the way we learn this is being kind to others. We cannot learn to curb our tongues and know when and how to speak to others, social norms, unless we are around others. My friend and I tease, “Why can’t they all be just like us?” when we are knowing we could easily be ‘right’ about everything. How would we know if we are ‘right’ if we do not have others to weigh our ‘rightness’ with? Bonding is life…real life…real living… without others we are mere shells of what we could be. We are all gifts to the world. We would not be here if there were not a reason for us to be. Yes, we can get hurt, yes, we can lose trust, we it can hurt to lose others important to us... but the NOT having others around is weighs more heavily than we could ever imagine.
Find ways to bond with others. If you have been prone to isolation, then get out there and give it a go. You will be surprised who needed you today, tomorrow, in the future. I am ever grateful for those I have learned to bond with; for those I have truly deeply bonded with. Some bonds I made… some bonds came and found me. I am a truly lucky woman. Some I have let go of, for good reasons. Some I have kept since I was a child. Yes, I have learned who and why to bond. I wish you the same.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.30.22
