“Blessed are the flexible for they will not allow themselves to become bent out of shape!” Robert Ludlum
We do not know what is going on in others’ reality. If a sister comes to us, with sorrow, in anxiety, sharpness and overriding her fears immediately puts a barrier between a person and the sister who speaks truth of her fear or sorrow. Whether we do/say it consciously, or whether it is just a rote comment, invalidating another’s expressed feelings is nothing more than abusive.
All of us have a fine line of what we can bear. It all depends on our DNA, our experiences down here on Mother Earth, and we have different circumstances but a moment ago. Whether the invalidation of feelings is done as a method of control, a method of manipulation, or a simple lack of empathy that resides deep down in the soul, it is unacceptable to NOT validate another’s truths or to try to out-truth another. All too often, a truthteller and a person who invalidates are dancing a type of predatory/victim dance to the one who invalidates. Truth-telling is not a competition and validating another’s pain and/or sorrow is part of our very reason for being down here at all.
We should not feel we need to extinguish, fix, or extinguish another’s pain. We simply need to listen and acknowledge that, to the truth-teller, this truly is a sorrow of hers. I think that part of the reason we may try to alleviate another’s pain is really that it has triggered something in us that we want to extinguish. If we are working hard not to feel something and someone comes to us with a common sorrow, we suddenly kick into denial, not just of our own sorrow, but we feel a need to extinguish it in others. All in all, it is a further wound to a truth-teller.
The person sharing her pain has hit a wall of understanding how something like that can happen, difficulty settling what has happened (or about to happen – as in a loved one on the verge of dying, etc.). Solace is not what that person, perhaps, is looking for and offering it does not help her feel less pain. Perhaps she needs another to help validate her pain, in the first place. Listening is the key to it. Sometimes they just need someone to listen. Sometimes all the person needs is for someone else to validate that she is in pain. To her, it is, in its own way and level of pain, it feels eminently devastating, in many ways. That should be enough for others to feel empathy and understanding, even if the person, herself, cannot understand her own feelings.
As I contemplate the Red Thread that ties all of us together, I realize that some strands are stronger than others. It is to be understood that some strands have been through experiences at being tugged at until they may be weakened and another tug is just too much for the thinned-out string. Invalidation of any strand is not right to do. We do not know how much more a strand can take. Invalidation of that strand’s ability to cope and take more strain helps no one and even invalidates your own feelings of pain/sorrow. Only strands, woven together help strengthen the rope of those in this hard life down here on earth.
Be careful with our words and actions, towards a
person who is in pain/sorrow/fear is so seriously important. It is glib to say pat phrases and spew
unhelpful words. Empathy is needed. Empathy for ourselves, so we can give it to others. Denial of our own pain/suffering/fear means
we cannot reach other an d help others through their pain/sorrows/fears. We are all in this together. Invalidation of one is invalidation of
all. Let us be kind. Let us do not harm. Let us bundle everyone in our tribe together
and be strong together. We share ancient memories. We are anchors for each other.
©Carol Desjarlais 2.18.21
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