Boundaries

It's OK if everything might feel a bit overwhelming.
It's OK to talk about it.
It's OK to not want to talk about it.
It's OK to find it funny.
It's OK to be human.

- by Scarlett Curtis

Boundaries need to be set, constantly, I find.  Every relationship needs its boundaries and are made from within, from heart and soul, to ensure that we choose right people, and right people who will not betray you, and keep you from sharing too much in trust.  One can get really hurt when boundaries are not set to keep Self from telling too much to too many.  Without boundaries, or when you have shared too much, there can be chaos, no matter how old you are.  How much is too much, in a relationship of any kind? 

I have a belief that, if you have been in an abusive relationship in the past, you might have a lingering aspect of that relationship, in that you heal, but in that healing, you continue to make yourself vulnerable to others.  Our most intimate relationships are not with just partners.  Other relationships need boundaries, as well, to make sure you do not tell things from the past that will make you vulnerable to them.  We make mistakes.  We fix what we can.  Then, it is wise not to repeat those things to anyone.  If we have healed, we would not. 

Sometimes people criticize in passive aggressive ways. Every person has their own reasons for doing/saying something, and if that leads you to be too confident in trust, it can be broken, and we end up feeling betrayed when all the flags were there and we chose not to see them.  Bottom line, we need to take care of our own 'stuff' and there is no sensible reason why you need to share with anyone else:  Time and situational appropriateness.

Many times during our lives, boundaries have become an issue, for some.  I am one.  I am guilty of saying too much and I live with the consequences, but that means, I learned, again, about boundaries.  Trying to solve such is ludicrous.  I am guilty of sharing too much and I have learned my lesson now, finally, for once and for all.

I have a life to lead, as do all.  I need to respect myself and forget that others do not.  While this, once, would have destroyed me, emotionally, this time, I work through it more quickly and there is no solution but mine.  I have to retain my authentic self, and value what I have learned.  I need to expect loyalty, and respect, from everyone in my life, and I need not place myself in such situations ever again.  I can no longer be a caretaker, a sounding board, a scapegoat, a pleaser.  I have my own troubles and I have worked hard to work on enmeshments in the past, so again, I take responsibility for what I am, who I was, when I have told authentic stories, and refuse to be sidetracked by those who are hurt and hurt people.

This can sting, but it is not devastating.  If we allow others to devastate us, we need to look at boundaries.  This can be a life changing situation, of course, but we should not put ourselves in a place where we are watching our back after sharing too much.  I am only victim to myself.

“When those on whom we depend for love and support betray our trust, the feeling is like a stab at the heart that leaves us feeling unsafe, diminished, and alone.” - Julie Fitness, psychologist.

If you ever find yourself in a situation, you unwittingly caused, it is moment of learning.  We can either obsess about it, and our Ego will demand we stand up for ourselves, or we can simply let it go and move on.  Usually there has been a warning or another incidence of such and you must not overlook some important things in relationships and then act all surprised when it is done again.  The only person who needs to clarify the situation is the "I".  There is no need, although mine is strong, to defend oneself against half-truths or non-truths, or even truths. 

Upon processing the events, one has to accept that the friendship is over and done with and all the good things that came of it, keep, the lessons, keep, but the truth will always remain the same. Feel it and process it, accept responsibility, and be honest with self. I told the truth as I knew it.  I, later, knew different, but at the time of the event, 35 years ago, it was my truth.

There is no one sure way to deal with such.  It is individual. Acknowledge what you feel.  Feel it, then deal with how you need to deal with it while you sit with the feelings.  It might take a restless night, or two, to come up with your personal solution that will create peace in your life.  But, you cannot let a broken trust with one become the broken trust of all.  Never tell anyone deeply personal things that can be used as a weapon.  We should not have to watch our back.  I am working on that now

Oh, yes, that, and boundaries.  

©Carol Desjarlais 2.29.20