Valentines

Remember the days in Elementary School; the cut out/punch out valentines, for everyone in the class; making little pouches to attach to your desk for others to put their valentines for you, in; the sugar cookies with little cinnamon hearts on them; the little passions you thought you had?  

My granddaughter and I had a drive together for about half an hour.  She is twelve.  She began talking about missing her old school in another town and how she missed those friends.  Then she zero'd in on a boy she had a 'crush' [my word, not hers] on.  She gave me his name, why she had a crush on him and then added, "but that was before I knew what real love was'.  I nearly choked with laughter.  She is such an interesting little girl, not worldly, and has a depth of understanding that surprises me every time we get a chance to really talk.  She is not really interesting in boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.  She is still aware of being a little girl and is not rushing into maturity like some of her friends.  That is a precious gift, for sure.I think we forget to talk to our little girls about what real love is all about.  

I remember speaking to that in a youth conference to teenagers.  We had an open discussion about what love was and what love was not.  Most of the discussion was about physical love, a few suggested emotional love.  Some of them spoke of broken hearts and thinking they would die without their 'true' love.  Finally I guided them into the understanding of what it might mean, beyond teenaged love, using the concept of the Medicine Wheel of physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual components.  I asked open questions for them to think about whether they were in 'true' love or not:

Would you still love them if they had a horrible accident, say, burned badly, or lost a limb, would you still love them the same?

Would you still say you loved them if they had a terrible accident and their brain was injured?

Would you still love them if they had a nervous break-down and were no longer stable and were mentally disturbed?

Would you still love them if they joined a cult and wanted you too as well; if they became atheist; if they decided to live on the dark side; if they moved into total religiosity,....?

After each question was a long pause for them to think about it.  Being teenagers, there was a resounding "NO!"  And I explained how that happens every day to someone..and with any gender.  I explained, that if they said "NO" then it could not be real love.  I spoke of aging and what aging does to the body.  I spoke of Elders they see, barely able to walk, pushing a walker, shuffling, being pushed in a wheel chair and asked them why those two would stay together.  There has to be something beyond the physical, intellectual and emotional components to love.  Would you say it was Spiritual?  And then we had an open discussion about what spiritual love was and how it developed.  It came down to being guided to understand it is not about you dying IF you lost them... it was about you being willing to die FOR them.  The conference group was a resounding success as they wanted to stay and talk about it long after the session was over.

I have known true love, once in my life...my last and only true love.  I lived a long time not knowing what true love was until I met him.  I had been single for some time and I worked on myself hard and finally sent it out into the Universe that I felt I was ready.  Boom!  There he was. For 12 years.  And, then, in 5 weeks, he faded and was gone.  You are never the same when your sou mate passes.  


We were drawn together out of the chaos with humor.  It became the basis if our relationship.. .the laughter, the freedom to just be, the joy at finding one another, and the comfort.  It sustained us.  It sustained us right through to the end when it took him a mere five weeks from, "I am peeing dark stuff" to his death.  I have never been more deeply loved and more deeply living.  I kept him home during those five weeks.  I watched him fade before my eyes, every day.  I saw him accept death with so much dignity and grace.   The days took more and more of him, intellectually, emotionally, and, finally, spiritually.  He did not believe in god or a hereafter.  But, I asked him, if there was somewhere else, to send me feathers in strange places.  The last day, he greeted people we all could not see.  Later, he smiled with absolute joy, waving, joyfully, this time to someone he recognized that we could not see.  He never suffered, he was never in pain, he simply faded away with such grace.  And one last funny moment:  He raised up out of his quiet, threw his legs over the metal side rails, and looked perplexed.  I asked, "What do you need, sweetheart, where are you needing to go?"  He answered, his typical Richard Self, "I do not know but I am getting the hell out of here!"  My service was pure love for him and to him over those weeks.  And the feathers fell and fell and showed up in strangest of places.  A huge part of me died with him that night.  I felt so abandoned and lost.  I have spent six years becoming who I am now, not even close to who I was. 




Love is about trust, acceptance and support.  Love is a verb, to be sure.  Love is beyond worrying about what the other might misinterpret or what others might see.  Love is not about being a hopeless romantic.  A lot of love is disappointing and difficult, at times.  Love is a spiritual connection, more than any other connection.  Love is about complete emotional surrender to that person who is more important than Self.  Love is about openness and non-defensive.  Love is not about being right, it is about being open to new ways of thinking, new perspectives, your partners perspectives.  Love is invigorating.  Love is authentic with no hidden agendas.  Love is about boundaries and bonding.  Love is about giving and receiving.  Love is affection and something to nurture as a mother/father would a child.  Love is being understood and understanding.  Love has no illusions.  Love is all pure intimacy at every moment.  Love is free of push and pull.  Love is not critical nor judgmental.  Love holds no regrets or resentments.  Love is affectionate.  Love is Present.  Love is seeing things in the way they really are.  Love is doing things together.  Love has no routine, it needs to be fresh and new. Love is spontaneous surrender and caretaking.  Love has no control.  Love means developing Self to enhance why someone should love you.  Love is support and encouragement.  Love is open physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.  I wish you love!

For this painting, I drew in charcoal over my pencil marks.  This time I did not seal it.  I gesso'd the hearts on the page and let that dry. 
 

Then, I moved into my Indian Inks to get the gesso texture to show and then let some trickle down by spraying the page, with water,  to get some drippage. 

I, then moved in to get some base face color.  

I like to use Burnt Sienna to get some outlining done. Then start softening edges with flesh.
 

I used my pan pastel, flesh colored, with a sponge to soften the layering on the face.  I love the softer look that immediately happens.  As well, I get some eye color happening because that is like encouragement to me to start to see more reality to the face.

As you can see, that pan pastel pouncing really made a difference on the flesh tone of her face.
 

a bit of brown watercolor pen refines the face more.

 

a few white dots here and there give a more finished look, as well as darkening brows and shaping eyes with a bit of light navy outlining.  Do not forget the light dot in the eye.

Yes, even if it is just a painting that becomes more alive, I wish you some kind of love today!

©Carol Desjarlais 2.14.20