Crossroads

Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter'.  -Lewis Carroll

There are always detours in our life.  Some are small and not really significant, but then there are huge crossroads and those take some time to think through in order to make the right decision for US.  I am there.  The fork is part of my past decisions and my new present and it will hugely effect my future.  Suddenly we are Alice who has fallen down the rabbit hole.  Suddenly we are in unfamiliar territory.  It feels like you are the only one in the world that does not know what path to take.  It is your path.  No one else's.  If I do not take the right path, I am soooo screwed.  I am having to stop my travels and make a danged decision, on my own, since I am the one who has to live it. 
It can be so frustrating. It is scary. I am used to making a quick decision and then living with the choice.  But, this is different.  This decision truly effects the rest of my life.  I have not made great choices but I have lived through them.  This time, the choice has to not lead through some difficult struggles to right myself.  

Sometimes we get so set on trying to stay on a path of our choosing that, when divergence happens: Boom, crisis!  I have been on a race to where; to this crossroads?  Of course:  Choices! 

I would not know what to do with a life that was totally comfortable, stable, certainty.  I have never had a life that was totally effortless.  I have never been lazy.  That has never been my path.  I have been actively engaged in life from the moment I began to thrive.  I have taken the 'path less traveled'.  I have walked on not thinking about alternatives or outcomes.   I have put myself into positions of fear and indecision.  Lots!  But, oh, the adventures and experiences!

As I have aged, there has been reason to take life more seriously.  I became overwhelmed.  Having to make choices that would seriously affect my whole last days, weeks, years, had me a place of hopeless fear, for a few days.  I, seriously, had to get hold of myself and take tiny steps towards making decisions.  I had to walk through fear for a few days to get to a place to settle in and make a proper decision. 
At this point, it is important to make decisions that WOULD offer more comfort and ease, that would have the possibility of more ease and certainty.  It terrified me, but the crossroads demand I chose something not 'trip the light fantastic' and let come what may.  My journey had to have more purpose to it.  Wow, it was difficult to make that choice.  I knew what would make my life easier, of course, but easier than what?
I decided to stand my ground.  I walked into the crossroad knowing that sometimes we have to choose something we did not really want to choose.  The line was stepped over and I am walking a surer way.  At least I know I am moving forward. Am I happy about my choice?  No, but it is the best choice for now.

Have you come to cross roads?

As I quietly painting this page in watercolors, I tried not to have it feel like a gruesome page.  I kept it light and not bold in its color or style.  I made no path darker than the other.  It is a simple statement.  

©Carol Desjarlais 2.3.20