Shadow Self

Jung said something that I think about, often:  
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

He was interested in his thesis that we all have a uncivilized/primitive part of ourselves, a shadow side, and that we need to contemplate what part of us is our shadow self and work on that to become a more balanced human being. And, the more I understand about my shadow side, the more that I acknowledge it and so something to change that.  Lord, I have flaws...many flaws... and those flaws lead me to feeling guilty, sad, hopeless sometimes, and not enough.  It is hard to focus on our 0positives when we have the Lizard Brain that reminds us every dang minute of our flaws that we try to hide, try to deny, and try to get around.

Sometimes I can be envious.  Ego tries to say that I am admiring.  I am not.  I am envious.  I can be selfish and I try to label that 'taking care of me'.  I am prideful and I try to act like I am sorry when I am not and sometimes I will not apologize because, somehow, I think I am right and someone else is wrong.  How many times have I said I was sorry and I was not?  How many times should I have apologized and did not?  Sometimes I truly despise, well, I call it despising, but, really it is hate and I will say I do not hate anyone person, place or thing, but deep inside, I hate (see my earlier post that referred to Trump).  The list of flaws is too long to add, but I know they are there even though I am busy, many times, seeing how others have caused me to be ____ (fill in the blank) when I am responsible for my actions and reactions, thoughts, and flaws. Sometimes I act like I am focusing on my strengths when, I am not, I am trying to deny my flaws.  Sometimes I know my flaws.  Sometimes they are unconscious until I act or react on them.  Whatever can be said of us, we are human and we DO have flaws/shadow sides.

Something that provokes our shadow side/dark side, can be our beliefs about being human and sometimes it can be that our Self-esteem can influence our shadow side(s).  Yes, 'sides'.  Some people are more integrated.  Some of us simply have not evolved, perhaps, it is in the spiritual realm.  Name the seven deadly sins and we pretty much all have them in some way that we label as other things.  Some us lah lah lah through life and skip the hard places, the dark places, and some of us spend a great deal of time listening to our Evil Inner Witch (night thoughts, day self-criticisms until we are actually tough to be around.  Sometimes we label some of our flaws as sensitivity.  Oh, we have many ways to hide/disguise our flaws that we all have and should own.  And, by the way, we should own it, but not advertise it, lord, there are enough judgments by others, and sometimes we simply need to quietly tidy ourselves up.  It is always easier to see others' shadows than to see our own.

We are all gifted, in some way.  We can all be self-critical, but some of us need to be aware of that shadow we cast on others through our inability to change and grow and have personal ownership and resilience that helps us see our shadow side that negatively follows us and others can see that we try hard not to.  Sometimes we can be The Waking Dead without taking the time to heal ourselves. 

Sometimes we see the different shadows within our shadow side and figure we have too many to begin working on.  That is our Ego trying to justify we are static human beings and, in all the world, we are the only thing that does not need to change, to evolve, to grow, and to recognize our footprints that drag this shadow side of ours around.  We excuse ourselves for things we would not excuse in others.  

I, and I am sure, many others, walk around trying to be authentic, to be true to our values, being creative and energetic and, ok, awake. A key to knowing if you have a shadow side and need to be working on challenging Self and Shadow by acknowledging and healing that in ourselves, is that we find ourselves ending up in the same old, same old.  If we find ourselves back in similar situations, that we try to blame on others, but, really, is Self-caused by our choices and decisions that have not matured, we should be looking at that that lead us to that same place another time in our life.  At some point we need to stop, not looking way back in our past, and look immediately behind that which lead us back to the same old, same old.  There it is we see why we have a shadow side and where we should begin working for change.
It is no easy process, but as long as we do not, we will have this fantasy ideology of who we are, what we do, and why we are who we are and what brings us to situations that lead us to that dark place again and again.  As we age, we have more time for such thinking and such work.  I am getting on this and I will be danged if my Lizard Brain will support me in staying stuck cycling from one negative space to another.

If you look at the finished page, you will see she is shadowy dark, lifeless-looking, stagnant, someone not quite human.  She began with me collecting flower shapes and stencils.

I used gesso to have the stencil make texture on the background.

Although it will not necessarily show later, I sprayed some distress inks to get some color happening on the background.  A spray of water and pat down with paper towel made that color a little more subtle.  

Next I glued down some flower stickers that would give me a depth to the background.  Later I would gesso over them so not have them stick out like a sore thumb.

Once I had the face shape down, I would start layering and getting some color shapes down.  Because I used charcoal to outline the face, it took on its own life as I added the acrylics. That is okay, because sometimes you want some darker shading.

In the end, I added some yellow to her hair (see symbolism of the color yellow and lime green - innocence and growth) and layer by layer she came to be.

We all have the ability to change, to be introspective, to accept and acknowledge our hidden/shadowy Self, and do something about it.  To remain static is to remain sad, depressed, nearly manic in our need to hide what others have seen in us long ago.  I have to tidy myself up or I will swoop on into what comes next, dragging this shadow with me.. .and that would really suck.
 



©Carol Desjarlais 2.25.2020