An Open Mind and Open Heart

Every morning, when I look in the mirror, I do not recognize myself.  I wonder if what I am seeing is truly what others see.  When I look at photos of myself (and I try not to be photographed or too look because, to me, I look disgusting.  I easily pick out my flaws and magnify them). I try not to look too long.  But, I do see some of my birth mother.  I see my siblings.  I remember how beautiful my adoptive mother was to me, and my Aunt, and how they looked only more beautiful as they aged. I cannot connect to that person in the mirror.  I do not wholly accept that reflection either.  

I am finding that peace of mind is more difficult to hold.  I get overwhelmed easily and do not react to that is positive ways.  I am in control but I do poorly at it, betimes.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not share my burdens easily.  But, I do have networks of people who support me, put up with me, try to help me to find peace, but I am resistant to accepting others advice if I do not see them following it themselves. 

I seek peace and comfort, stability and health, yet I am afraid of commitment and risk.  Perhaps I cannot deal with letting go of some of my control.  I still react instead of act, and am working hard, for heart health, to find a way to let things wash over and past me.  I am far from a victim, but I am stubborn and so am defensive.  I have had a life where I had to be in control of self and control events.  It has kept me solid, 

courageous, and I have lived with the consequences.  But, I am at a stage in life where I also want to give over some reins.  To do this, I have to learn to give up what has kept me going throughout my whole life. It no longer works to keep such tight control.  I need a different kind of control to focus on now.  

Focusing on resolution of issues that plague me, control being one, I need to draw on my strengths and courage to get through what comes with aging.  Somehow, I have to develop a joy and a sense of adventure this aging offers.  Do not let anyone kid you, aging hurts in every way and one has to live with the chronic conditions of a body wearing out.  Some are luckier than others, of course, and they find ways to overcome physicality.  It is a definite challenge and I do have the skills from the past to draw on.  I need to make decisions and then simply live with them, whatever it is I choose to do. 

As we age, we still need to connect with life and its adventure.  We still need to be loved and supported but in ways of an aging person not a young woman.  I have a sense that love is now comfort.  Making sure I feel connected enough to where I am living, that it feels like home to me.  And connections have changed as well.  

 Connection to place is huge and can only be found through intimate interactions with where I live.  Yes, it is not where I usually call 'Home'.  It is not Maine with my beloved.  It is here, where I have a roof over my head and a partner who cares for me 

( again, not the kind of care of youth and midlife, but care in a companionship /comfortable way).  

As I settle with being what I see in the mirror, I am also settling in in all areas of my life.  Letting go is huge but necessary.  Gratitude is of utmost importance because, after all, and so cliché, but being grateful is a tough master of its own because I, for one, dreamt of so much more.  I resign myself to body, mind, heart and soul, and work on finding my peaceful acceptance of my now.

As I started this one-day challenge, I had no idea how much would come of it all.  Working in Red and with Red entailed working with what was on my palette... Berry Wine, Tuscan Red,  Bright Red, and Festive Red Metallic with only white to develop different hues, trying not to lose the Red and move into the pink.

I began by drawing, with a fine brush, the shapes and features that I saw in my head, with the Berry Wine. 

What do we do to get the finished look to our aging?  Perhaps there are some lessons here.

©Carol Desjarlais 2.10.20