Queen of Your Own Realm

Sometimes you have to cram a crown on your head and act like you have hope and are a Queen of your own realm.  Did your Evil Inner Witch just say, "Pffft!" Of course, your inner Ego certainly does not want you to toss her off her throne.  

All of us wish for lack of scarcity, for insp0iratin, for abundance, but not all of us get what that means.  We might have lofty ideals...you know, hamburger versus Prime Rib.  Trying to be graceful during it, to be appreciative, to be settled with what we have, who we are, how we are, is huge.  

I was talking with a young woman who is in her 40s and she spoke of menopause and the sense of uselessness;  kids grown up, marriage ending, listlessness of meeting that critical midlife age and the sense that life was somehow over...well, the adventure, etc.  I told her to buckle up and explained being in your 70s and still trying to figure out purpose amidst aging body, mind, heart and soul.  She was flabbergasted.  She thought she had managed to get through menopause with flying colors.  I think I burst her balloon, poor dear heart.  Life can really feel unfair and then reality hits and you surely have to decide what is just and right rather than fair. Sometimes we might feel like a Queen of a crumbling Empire.

Somehow, to get to a place where you feel worthy, feel enough, feel respected, feeling compassionate, amidst feeling fat, crumbling, can be hard work.  We still want to feel empowered, in control, cherished, celebrated, supported.  We still want to be beloved, be gracious, be gentle, be strong, and be assured.  We still want to set good boundaries, and to feel beautiful.  We do.  Even as our body betrays us, we still want to feel noticed and to feel what we portray from the inside out.

I am working on trying to be a fair Queen, a grateful Queen, from within and in the aura I propel.  I am working at 'acting and reacting' like a true queen, regal and with dignity and worthy of honor.  I want the give and take of life to not, emotionally, crush me.  I want to make sure I do not isolate myself in some fairyland castle with long gray hair streaming down for some long dead knight in shining armor.

I want to meet the struggles and challenges of failures and successes of being in my seventies, to be something I can rise to.  I am pretty sure that I would respect myself, love myself, and honor myself more, if I can truly aim for that.  How do I get there?
I have the sense that we have to earn who we are meant to be.  I have a sense that our title can be banished in a moment by a poor or negative reaction or action and we might have to fight to regain our personal power again. What a mighty crusade this could be.

I have a sense, deep within, that I have to use my energy at the max when I can and know when to rest and simply be in silence and develop more energy.

I want to be a risk-taker, always.  I have always been a risk-taker and sometimes too much of a risker.  But, in that risking, I have gained more in other areas in my life. 
I will continue to refuse to accept "can't" and will find interesting, adventurous, and successful ways to get around that road block word.  And should I fail, I will find another way.

Integrity is an absolute and the most important is truth of Self, towards Self, and from Self.  If I fail or succeed, will depend on how honest I am with myself.

I will not accept others opinion of me.  Yes, it matters that we are held in esteem, but I am who I am and I am in constant flux.  I may be one thing one moment and another thing the next moment and that is okay.  As long as I continue to grow, and that I honor that growth in self is important to me.

I want to continue having as much independence as ultimately possible.  Yes, we are going to lose our independence if we live long enough.  But, even at that, we can maintain what we can.

A Queen, self-made, is one who has strong moral attributes and to do this, one has to to have learned what they are, in a very personal way.  If something insults us, reject it.  If something inspires it, grab it and take it in.  Consideration of what is just and right has to be realized as global, country, homeland, and personal space.  

A Queen knows when to give in, to stand strong, to back up, to march forward.  We will take detours, we will take good easy road.  We will take great climbs and declines, but we stay on the path that feels right to our soul. We are always going to be in strange and unfamiliar lands, at times, and we simply stay on the path that feels right and trust ourselves to make right turns and loops and backtracks, and march forwards. 
Somehow, we have to be so in love with ourselves that we are able to love others with the same warrior feelings.  No hidden agendas.  No pretending.  Loving at least another so fiercely that we can hold their hand as they die.  

A Queen, I imagine, would have to build their own perseverance, their own determination, so that they are able and willing to see life through to the end.  We do not know what may come, but we best be ready for it, because if we think it is hard now, we cannot imagine.  Best we build those things in self so we can keep that crown planted firmly on our heads no matter the situations we might find ourselves in.
I would think a Queen ought to be available to others, to be open to take a teachable moment, when needed; to be willing and able to be a learner, when life calls for it; to be accepting that we do have wisdom to share.  And, share it!

Again, a quick sketch

Then, using my India Ink,  I streak the background.

 I use white acrylic to do the base of the portrait.

 I blot some dark blue acylic with a paper towel to get some texture on the background.

I use deli paper as a palette and choose the colors I want to use.  This gives me easy mixing abilities. 

I started adding with colors here and there to tie in the colors I am going to use.

I decided I need some pow factor so choose a lime green.

I used my pilot pen to outline and give definition.  I never do have a set step by step procedure to get to the end painting.

Details happen and I blot and stroke, make circles. including some interesting detail for eyebrows.  I always try toi remember to work in threes so there are three areas of circles. 

©Carol Desjarlais 2.23.20