Blue on Blue

Blue songs are like tattoos
You know I've been to sea before
Crown and anchor me
Or let me sail away
Hey Blue, here is a song for you
Ink on a pin
Underneath the skin
An empty space to fill in
Well there're so many sinking now
You've got to keep thinking
You can make it thru these waves
Acid, booze, and ass
Needles, guns, and grass
Lots of laughs lots of laughs
Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go
Well I don't think so
But I'm gonna take a look around it though
Blue I love you

Blue here is a shell for you
Inside you'll hear a sigh
A foggy lullaby
There is your song from me

© 1970; Joni Mitchell

Have you noticed that it feels awkward, shameful, guilt-ridden, to say, "I am blue...I am sad...I feel sad..."?  We all are sad sometimes.  Sometimes our sadness is entwined in every day for every day for every day and that is depression.  I am talking about a sudden feeling that comes and we fear expressing it.  Sometimes we know why we are sad, sometimes we do not.  We pin that feeling to something as if to validate it.  But, it is a difficult thing to express, openly.  Why is that particular feeling hard to express?

I remember saying it once, to someone, a leader, and was told that sadness is when the devil gets in.  Pshhhhhttt!  But, that is truly the only time I ever said it and I do not even believe in the devil.  If we do not express it, it lies there like a drunken stupor until it can become a habit.  As long as we do not express it, and treat it like something horrible, it will persist.  

I know that I pin a great deal, these last 6 years, on to grief and it appeases it.  I never wake up sad, unless I have dreamed of him, and I sort that out quickly because being 'SAD' is not my nature.  I tend to be very quiet when I am working through it.  It is as if there is a disconnect and it needs to be connected to something other than just that I feel sad. I am sure sadness does not creep up for no reason and figuring out what is driving it is important, but important not to simply attach it to one thing.  If it persists, do something to get help to deal with it, even a friend who knows that your sadness is fleeting ( if it, indeed, is) and get professional help if it does persist.  It is easy to medicate it, and we do so in many ways.  The best way to soothe your sadness is to explore reasons you feel sad.  Sometimes it is hidden deep in a clutter of reasons to be sad and it takes more time to sift through the many reasons with great effort until you appease it and it fades.   

Sadness is an appropriate, normal, feeling betimes.  Sadness is not just grief.  Sadness can simply mean there is no joy.  Sadness can be anxiety-driven.  Sadness can settle in and then we need no reason to be sad, we simply are, and this is when it becomes depression.  The more we do not validate the feeling, the more we can slip into it being more and more persistent.  When we cannot handle it and extinguish it, the more it becomes a mental health issue.  Perhaps this is what we are afraid of.  Perhaps it is the labeling "Mental Health Issue" that moves the sadness into "I cannot handle it and so it is!"  

Sometimes we are unable to enjoy pretty much anything.  Lethargy, loss of appetite, crying jags, isolation, and negative ways of dealing with it, to numb it, are symptoms and the root of the cause maybe be biological in that we are low in serotonin.  Somehow, rather than reach for a crutch, we simply have to get to the root of it all, once and for all.  Sometimes it takes good therapy with a trusted cognitive behavioral therapist.  We can do our own when it is only sadness, but when it persists, again, it may take someone to guide us to our roots of sadness's.

I know that, when my chronic pain level rises, late at night, it can fill me with a type of sadness.  Yes, there are many types and many ways to figure our sadness's out.  It is not something that stays longer than the height of pain.  Once the pain is managed, it is like I am so grateful, there is pleasure rather than sadness.  But, this too, could become a problem as we seldom really understand the root of physical pain.  

I know that I am able to deal with sadness through art journaling.  If I ever stopped doing my art, I know, for a fact, that I have a more difficult emotional time.  Losing interest in doing my art, for its healing, I am giving myself permission to feel lost, lonely, wanting, needy, sad...  I need my art to express the things I find difficult to express.  When I do not do my morning art, even for a short time, I tend to feel a gnawing need all day.  My art journaling is my crutch, I suppose, but it is also very soothing and comforting to me as I get lost in that creative space.  If I stopped, I am sure that I would have difficulty coping some days.  I need to be creatively stimulated.  Again, if I chose to stop, I would be choosing to feel sadness, etc.   I am too stubborn to let that happen...or too wise.

Sometimes sadness can exasperate me and I feel antsy and unable to think clearly.  Staying focused is imperative for me.  I do not even like myself when I am antsy, and sitting down and doing some artwork absolutely cures it for me.  All should have something that distracts that Evil Inner Witch/Ego that would like to be in control. 

Another way sadness may express itself, when it is not worked on, is finding that you cannot sleep, that your mind spirals around and around in Van Goh's concentric circles of everything that you think you should feel sad or anxious about.  Somehow, you must not lay there allowing your EIW to manipulate you.  Get up, tidy, art, bake, do whatever is necessary to distract yourself so that you do not allow your EIW to control you.  The real you is in charge and you can shut that damned thing up.  Often, when pain-driven sleeplessness comes, I get up and do some art journaling or even work on a canvas, whatever suits, but enough to distract myself from feeling miserable.  Sometimes I read.  Sometimes I find something on Netflix, cozy up on the couch with a warm blanket and get lost in what I am doing, rather than what I am thinking. 

I have become more honest with myself and refuse to allow negativity into my day, into my rest, into becoming depression that sticks around.  Life is hard enough without me creating more needless drama.  I am going to say that I am sad when I am sad, rather than act it out in some danged way.  It will empower me so that I stay Present and not fall back into the past collections of WHY I might be sad.  It is enough to express it, and it is like being released from it by simply saying, "I feel sad!"  Self-recognition is empowering.  It is normal to feel sad, sometimes.  It is normal to be able to express any feeling. 

Sometimes my expression of sadness is through an art piece like this.  The creative expression of sadness can be powerful and healing and takes only a short time to get out and down on to a page.

 

I begin with a scribbled face and hair in pencil then in charcoal.

Then, I sprayed sealer over the charcoal so it did not bleed through my painting.

Next, I tried crackles on paper, once again.  I do not have much success with crackle on paper, so I gave it a go with this product.

After that dried for several hours, I decided to use my India Ink as color and base.

After getting the hair and under-painting done with the ink, I used some dark blue acrylic wash to darken the background.

I then, combined my colors with a touch of white, to do the face contouring and painting.  As you can see, now that it is all completely dry, the crackle shows up nicely in the hair.

If sadness comes to visit, know that there are millions of reasons for anyone to feel that way.  Express it, out loud and/or however you find easiest, and then solve the riddle.  I wish you joy, or at least, comfort not sadness.

©Carol Desjarlais 2.15.20