Thoughtful Tenderness

When you surrender your will, you are saying, "Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be, I will face my reality. I will look it directly in the eye and allow it to be here." Surrender and serenity are synonymous; you can't experience one without the other. So if it's serenity you're searching for, it's close by. All you have to do is resign as General Manager of the Universe. Choose to trust that there is a greater plan for you and that if you surrender, it will be unfolded in time. Surrender is a gift that you can give yourself. It's an act of faith. It's saying that even though I can't see where this river is flowing, I trust it will take me in the right direction.”
― Debbie Ford, Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life

Slowly, I gain my footing back.  I accept who, what, where, why I am.  I accept my strengths and weaknesses.  I refuse to compare myself to anyone else.  Sticks and stones...  I am building my self-esteem back.  If you knew me, you would know I am exuberant in my storytelling, and adventures.  I use my hands to talk.  I can tell funny stories that denigrate msyelf in teasing ways.  I am , also, exuberant and feisty in standing up for my friends and family.  And, yes, I can exaggerate the heck out of everything.  When I hurt, I hurt.  When I am sad, I will say I am so.  When I am wrong, I will apologize.  When I am angry, there is no doubt.  Reference:  My middle daughter coming up the walk to where I am sitting, sees the look on my face from something that seriously pmo, and says:  "Whoa, I've seen that look before!"  Yes, I have boundaries that I cannot bear to be crossed.  I am typically patient and kind and loving, but neither am I a doormat.  I fail and when I fail, I fail epically!  I am flawed.  I wish I weren't, but I am.  I have shortcomings and make epic mistakes.  I am way harder on myself than anyone else can be to me.  Perhaps it is why criticism is so heard to bear.  And, believe, me, I am due criticism.  I am learning, still, some same old, same old, stuff.  I sit here until I get it figured out.  I do not run from it: where would I go to get away from me? 

Along the way, I have learned to take responsibility for my actions and words.  No one deserves to pay for my past chite.  I pack my own burdens and really despise having to have anyone else help me pack.  I am pretty sure I will still question self in less-compassionate ways, because self-judgment is key in my life and always has been.  But, I am learning to learn the lesson rather than keep harping on to myself about it.  If I cannot, I will research and study and learn until I come to some way of knowing what to do about a situation.  Sometimes it is not a good idea to stay in the moment.

By staying 'in the moment', one can get lost in that moment, I have found, for me.  I have to NOT be in the moment so I can collect myself and control the need to let everything built up exit my mouth.  If I believed everything anyone said of me, I'd have given up years and decades ago.  I simply cannot get lost in judgments and assumptions.. and, yes, the negative self-talk.  I have to learn, somehow, to step away, and gain a new perspective on things, on self, so that I can say what needs being said without inviting back-blow.  I have to learn to get out of my own head, and remind myself, often, that I am doing the best I can and that other people's ideologies about me are not the core truth and let them believe it without defense. 

Ah, the shame-spiral is great in my life.  And, believe me, I do deserve to be but I cannot hang on to it forever.  I have things to do, people to see, me to be.  Life has to be worth being me.  I am going to be ever so leery and careful from now on, with those who think worse of me.  And, most of all, I do not have to believe the negative of self in every conversation and to stop expecting the worst of self.  I can be good enough.  I can. If that is not 'good enough' for others then so be it.  I am trying as hard as I can to save myself right now.

Challenge:  Can you find a way to show thoughts in your head.  I chose to show curls at the top of this character's head which I will fill in when I do journal writing.

©Carol Desjarlais 11.10.19