Climbing Back To Tenderness

I am mean; I'm nasty at times. I don't feel like talking to people at times. When I am in a bad mood and have had a really awful day, don't come in my face because I am not tolerant and I am not a goddess; I can't handle it after a point. I am going to get up, and I am going to scream, and I am going to say bad things to you. - Kajol - Indian Actress

Some people care deeply but cannot make their outward gestures, expect to specific things that they choose to project care on to.  They carefully script ways to hide emotions and become unavailable to express true emotions until later, they have no way to deal with life except to sink to their knees in Ego pity.  I cannot know, even how to try, to control all my emotions.  I am tender all the time, take offense easily, cannot deal with criticism hurled suddenly, etc.  It makes neither correct, we are still who we are and when we discover that we might be something we had not considered ourselves, then time to work on that aspect of self.  I have been given a huge barrier blueprint, and I need not to begin building it at this late stage of life.  

Some practice hard at walling themselves off by refusing to feel what they feel, rather than working through incidents, as they come, in order to be authentically tender and caring.  it does not work that way.  One cannot be super caring about a certain person, place, thing, and be cold towards other persons, places, things.  "Cannot" means being unwilling. And, for those of us with no filters, we will say exactly what we mean when we mean it, with no thought of repercussions during the moment.  Some may proudly say, "I say what I say and I won't change that!"  Or, they might say, "I am blunt" as if they were saying they were okay being that way.  None are right.  It is not okay, it is not okay not to change, it is not okay not to be verbally nurturing and caring of others.  Hurt people hurt people, therefore, we need to get over our hurt, our easily offense, our defensiveness... it is all pure Ego and not Soul/Spirit.

I remember a doctor telling me once that I wore my emotions on my head.  He said he could tell how I was feeling by the things I did to my hair.  Apparently, me, dying my hair, back in the 60s, told him I did not know who I was and I was covering up.  Go figure!  I soon realized how wrong he was, but he thought he was giving me a professional thought.  Now I am able to admit he was, in many ways, right.   Yes, I always dyed my hair with streaks, or new hairdos, or etc.  I do know it is a given that we feel better when we like the way our hair is...remember the old adage that you felt better after having your hair done?  Yes, it does show I care more for myself, when I do my makeup and spend time on it.  I think it is a woman thing.  But, are we masking when we do our makeup and hair to give off a sense of well-being, when we do it intentionally, to put out a different feeling than we have.  Food for thought, that.  Down south, I noticed the more 'perfect' the hair was, the more uptight a personality they were.  Those with flowing or softer hair were the opposite.  I never really thought about how we do our hair, what we wear, carries identity with it.  I am far from uptight most of the time and you can find me in pajamas any time of day, really, some days.  But, I have always, my whole life, had a mask.  My mask was my smile.  It is not a surprise that I have a resting 'bitch' face.  

What masks are we aware of, in ourselves?  Shakespeare said, " "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" of Gertrude in Hamlet.  How do we protest?  How do we chase off relationships?  When we say we like being alone, do we realize that is not normal...we are tribal people and meant to gather?  Do we try to stop another person from sharing their feelings by word or action?  Do we avoid too many situations because, truly, we are afraid?  Do you try to nullify people's compliments because we think less of ourselves?  Do positive people get on your nerves?  Are you a closed person unable to deal with other's emotions?  Are you, like me, afraid to look vulnerable, or do you use the mask of vulnerability?  We have conscious masks and unconscious masks.

So, without exposing our flaws and frailties, we try to come clean about who we are and why we are.  We admit our flaws and frailties to ourselves.  This can be really depressing because the Ego will love this.  Once we admit to ourselves, the Ego gets that the jig is up and we are better able to manage it.  I work on this every day because tenderness means to be tender all the time.  

©Carol Desjarlais 11.17.19