Tenderizing

“Life is a balance between what we can control and what we cannot. I am learning to live between effort and surrender.” ~Danielle Orner

What gentles us so that we are gentler to others?  I have a feeling that, for some of us, the love, care and compassion for our animal brothers and sisters, tenders us so that we can be tenderer to our kith and kin. 

What helps us be tolerant, sympathetic and compassionate?  Is that the same as defining a nice person?  I always thought I was a nice person.  I work hard at understanding myself, but, apparently, I was way off the mark.  I simply do not know how to deal with conflict, criticism and it is shocking and really impacting when someone proclaims something you had no idea about.  Suddenly the world does a spin and you are left questioning yourself.  Of course, after being too stunned to defend oneself... and, of course, being me, being adamant about it.  I did not walk away fast enough. 

To be tender is considered as being weak or delicate.  I am neither.  But, being tender is also being moved to affection, in part.  And being tender does not mean that we are only tender-hearted with certain people or select animals, places, or things.  It takes definite strength to care or share care when something, someplace, someone is barely loveable, but to be a tender person, one must. 

Life would make us hard, would make us uncaring, and would make us not care for even ourselves.  Life is harsh at best.  For some, it is harsher than for others.  We only need to look around us to see that.  Having a tender heart can not mean we are such empaths that we pick up other people's hurts and wounds, though, and some do.  We have to own our own so we can be understanding and tolerant of others.  We have to question our motives when we care too much for someone, something, some place.  What is caring too much?  I think enmeshment is caring too much, 'helicoptering' parents care too much in the wrong ways, enabling is caring in the wrong ways, allowing others to cross our boundaries is allowing too much, etc. 

Our expectations can keep us from being tender-hearted as well.  We want someone to change so badly that it makes us angry when they do not.  I have caught those waves over a daughter and I go from angry to pity to mothering, to crying in a number of hours, and she still does not change.  No, not even God helped her change.  I stand her, wishing, hoping, praying, but none of what I do helps her.  None of all the other people's helping in these ways helps.  In the end, I have had to give up expecting her to put down her drugs and alcohol and go back and gather up her children and help them get through a life she has handed them.  I offered, taught, and expected so much more for her.  How do tender-hearted people do it? 

A tender heart is cultivated, I think.  We pick out the wears and tares of those things that make us angry or bitter, and keep on hoeing the row.  We learn to express our emotions, to tell our stories, and continue being us no matter how flawed and failed we might be.  We dust ourselves off, consider we are not someone else's definition and we try to make the most of who we are. 

It seems the next thing we have to do is really develop our ability to forgive. When we are harboring hard feelings, we cannot be tender.  There is a healthy balance between being forgiven and forgiving.  Perhaps being able to sacrifice our own ego in order to comfort another is part of this.  Self-pity has no place in being a tender, loving, person.  I despise pity worse than anything, in myself, and I have little time, any more for those who get stuck in the attention-seeking rut of needing pity.  Many of us have been used by those kind, and eventually it leads to feeling used and then the ego gets into it.  A tender heart knows when to let go of the shovel and let them shovel themselves out on their own.  Empowering others comes from the tender-hearted.

Love and compassion and gentleness and encouragement are all traits of tender hearts that know when they are being tender and knowing when they are being enablers or victims.   Sometimes we cannot be sure if we are loving or leaning, helping or hindering, and we will fail at everything sometimes.  Then it is time to turn our tender heart in on ourselves and have it help us know where to walk from there.

Challenge:  If you were to do a page on being tender-hearted, how would you show it?

©Carol Desjarlais 11.12.19