The Inner Wolf Talk

 “When you say something unkind, when you do something in retaliation, your anger increases. You make the other person suffer, and they try hard to say or do something back to make you suffer, and get relief from their suffering. That is how conflict escalates.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

After the anger of the inner wolf expresses itself, there is a time of wondering how we just blew it, or why what was said should trigger us so, and wondering if their judgments or criticism should really be that important, and if so, why?   Some of us talk to think, some of us think to talk.  Some statements are made out of panic, some out of wounding, some out of frustration.  For some of us, yes, me included, the Ego becomes defensive and all the pent up frustrations, restlessness, impatience, irritation, and, yes, sarcasm that the inner wolf feeds on, comes rushing out.  One can only be drained so much, before the inner wolf shakes itself off and takes a stance.  We do not intend to lash out, but we do, from that dark place that a cage door has been opened upon.  Hurt people both hurt people.  

Trying to be patient and passive is not my make up.  I have had to work hard on just letting go and not letting things build up.  Everyone has a reason, a straw, that breaks the camel's back.  Sometimes we carry someone's load too far.  That is our fault.  Some know when the burdens are getting too heavy and make small attempts to let the other peson know that we have had too much, need a break, need them to stop dumping because the burden is spilling over.  There is a final trigger and boom, the wolf strikes.  Everyone is confused when the wolf within strikes, not just who it strikes out at, the one who carries the wolf in their gut is confused as well.  Somehow we need to get to a place where we are not a burden to each other... or simply be the hurt wolf who wanders off into the forest to be alone and lick one's wounds until we get the problem figured out.

To de-escalate, you either work on the areas in your life you need to work on, alone, or together... or you walk away forever.  It takes two to tangle and some people do not know your cues and you do not know theirs.  Once things are said, they cannot be taken back.  It is in that space of words that relationships are made or broken.  One learns to stop, to pause and to think before they consider ever having anything to do with one another again.  For some, you can apologize, and never do it again.  For some, their ego is too big to ever say they are sorry.  Therein lays the crunch... whether the relationship was one of use or an authentic relationship.   One may go off and work on their flaws.  One can walk away embittered and looking for someone else to suck dry. And, one may need to protect herself from being someone else's emotional sponge.   One may sit and wait it out.  One can move on.  Both need to work on emotional healing.  What could have been said in the heat of the moment should have been said long ago.  These are lessons in sensitivity we all need to work on and learn if we ever hope to have a normal relationship with anyone.  Bottom line:  Sometimes it is just better to just walk on alone and keep interactions few and far between.

If we are aware of the wolf within, best we let sleeping wolves lie.  Do not expect others to be tender with you.  You need to stop, take a huge breath, and then be tender with yourself and you learn to tame the wolf.

Challenge:  Can you do a page that expresses your sleeping, or ranging wolf? I used a quote from Margaret Atwood:  What if the story of little Red Ridinghood started with ... It was dark in the Wolf's Stomach/Grandmother's Stomach.  

11.7.19 Carol Desjarlais