"The need for affection in human beings is unique in the sense that we are a social species who require a certain degree of contact with other human beings. Although some individuals may be perceived as “loners,” maintaining the ability to ignore relationships with others, there is still a sense of emptiness that exists when we are isolated from human interaction. Therefore, need for affection is carried across geographical and cultural boundaries, and every country has their own special system of expressing various emotions.´- https://www.everydayhealth.com/healthy-living/why-we-have-need-affection/
Sometimes we get a lonely feeling for some kind of physical tenderness. Tenderness is connected to affection. A hug, a kiss on the cheek, a gentle pat, is powerful. Some psychologists are speaking to "Skin Hunger". Google it and Google "Touch Deprivation". I had not thought of that, but then, I am a hugger and perhaps that is how I fulfill my own need for touch. Do we all need physical touch, that touch tenderness, to feel a sense that all is right with our world and ourselves?
In a world of so many needs, are there so much more than we have identified? In our own lives, is it possible we have needs we have not thought of? Do we feel less safe, less secure, when there is no tenderness in our life, or little tenderness? I think that anyone who has been in a relationship that began great and then waned over the years, will understand that sense of numbing that can happen. The more we numb, the less affection in the relationship, the more our need grows, numbed or not.
If we recognize that we might be "Skin Hungry", we need to be affectionate,. ourselves, in order to receive affection. Give affection with no returns expected. In giving affection/tenderness, we somehow feel relieved in some deep level. I know, when drama hits, all the sense of not being 'enough' tends to loom and we have no time for tenderness because we are in some competition, war, rebellion, and we are caught up in anything remotely tender. We become more sensitive in all the negative ways in that we tend to feel hurt more easily. We can get up in an ever-cycle of wanting to win but also wanting to give in. Yes, we get tenderized, and every bit of drama adds to that tenderness in all the negative ways, yes. But, if we do not be tender with Self, we have no hope of being tender to others within all the drama. To not deal with issues for a time, is a good thing. Sometimes we are too tender, too sensitive, and we need to take a breather in order to come back to some sense of calmed Self.
Pity is not tenderness. Empathy, because you are understanding that there are many levels of other issues playing roles in every drama, is tenderness. Tenderness is a type of intimacy, unspoken need, yet profound in its need. To withhold tenderness comes from a place of fear, of weakness, although so many feel tenderness, itself, is weakness. Tenderness is the portal to true love that can hardly be expressed, but felt at a deep level. It is not passion, it is not manipulation, it is, perhaps, I think, that spark of God Within.
Tenderness is necessary for this upside down, crazy relationship of life and healthy relationships. Tenderness is a reaction of our ability to love deeply, forgive, and dwells in a space where the need to be forgiven and cared for resides.
Challenge: Can you create a piece of art that expresses a quirky tenderness that comes from everyday life?
©Carol Desjarlais 11.3.19
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