“Something
just flashes into your mind, so exciting, and you must out with it. If you stop
to think it over, you spoil it all.” ― Anne of Green Gables / Anne of
Avonlea
To
say, " cut Bait or Fish" speaks to swift
decision-making (to act or not to act), and cautions against procrastination
and/or indecisiveness. To be impulsive can come from being tender and wanting
to nurture or to be compassionate. It can also come from spontaneous negative
reactions that you did not take the time to control. Many of us are people who act impulsively can
experience both sides of the coin.
Somehow we need a balance, a gray area, where we do not let others cross
our boundaries, due to our tenderness, and where we do not react, negatively,
without thought. How many times do we
wish we had simply walked away or, at the very least, paused and considered
outcomes?
It does not happen often, but it happens, I let
impulsivity take over where mind and heart should have stopped. But, it is impulsivity that has me jump into
a mountain stream and enjoy the thrill of daring to, even at my age. It is a huge part of my creativity. There are times it is a good thing and times
it is not. When I, consciously, allow my impulsivity to focus in on a painting
or an art journal page, I am in control.
But then, there are times I allow it to control me. Not enough, but I do. How does one loosen one's impulse boundaries
for the positive and how does one control the impulsivity when it is
negative? This is huge for me and I need
to get a handle on it.
In part, when something negative happens, for
whatever excuse or reason, I tend to jump to conclusions that one thing is
happening (according to Ego) when it is not necessarily so. Rather than sink into soppiness, or walk
around leaning on others to 'fix it', I
have to decide to really understand positive outcomes versus negative outcomes
and where the trigger is that flicks on or off.
And, realize that I am in control of both, or should be. To allow impulsivity in creativity means to
experiment, without conscious-driven outcomes, and recognizing that success or
failure is just another layer away.
Where do we allocate our energy? That is important too. Part of this has to do with trusting
ourselves, and, yes, others. Part of
this has to do with Ego getting in the way of superimposing itself over what is
happening. I know, when I do art, very
often, Ego gets in the way and says "It's ruined, I wrecked
it..." and this carries over into
when I react negatively as well. Ah Hah! I am on to something here. Do I make
unconscious judgments? Well, indeed, I
do. It is when ego steps in and makes
judgment calls, and warps things into what IT thinks is being said or done,
that I get into trouble. Damned Evil
Inner Witch...she is part of me that I have to remove with surgical precision
so that I do not stop intuitive impulsivity that is the creative automatic
compassionate, part of me.
The difference between positive impulsivity and
negativity is not just the outcome, it is what is already within (i.e.: stress, hunger, tired, burn-out) and there is
an anxiousness already present. With
positive impulsivity, there is a peace and a type of creative excitement,
dearness, almost, that is felt when you slip into that space of creativity or
compassion. Positive impulsivity is an
automatic lessening of control for good purposes. Negative impulsivity is
control-triggered. The end result can
either be an inner satisfaction or inner confusion, guilt, shame.
Without an incident of triggering, I can work off
any anxiety. With triggers, I react from
fear, anger, and a negative panic which leads to feelings of shame, guilt,
unworthiness, etc. Both are sensation
driven. It is that one has to make
conscious decisions to pause, to feel the feelings, without reacting without
numbing, but consciously! Will-power!
To act, after pausing, is a coping skill we all have
to learn. If we do not cope, heal our
past, and make conscious effort to change, to be aware, to acknowledge, we
cannot be authentically tender in our impulses.
I would way rather know consequences of impulse in positive things, of
course, but many of us might learn about impulsivity the hard way. We know what happened, after the fact. And, so, I continue on, this month, working
on mindful reactions without losing positive spontaneity. There, that is positive impulsivity... being
spontaneous in compassion, understanding, and tenderness for self so we can be
so with others with a calm that comes from knowing we are meant to be tender
inside and out.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.19.19
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