“Losing
a grasp in reality or being misunderstood, being lonely always rises from
isolation, dark, and frightening nights. They are scary and full of deep
loneliness. The thing is, it becomes so hard to survive the night lying in the
bed awake and serving the up-time like a nice warm glass of regret.”
―
Being able to sleep, peacefully, is a way to flush
the day off your mind. But, sometimes,
the moment you lie down, the Ego decides to do reruns of your past and haunt
you with how you are not Good Enough!
There is no way to recoup the lost sleep nor to calm the negative
thoughts of the night and you wake feeling like the past was just the present.
I so resent the Evil Inner Witch (Ego) that decides I need to suffer some stuff
over and over again. Getting up is my
only solace and way to shut her up. I
can do a bit of art, and refuse to lie there taking an Ego-beating. Those of us who have run in stress-mode most
of our life have many unwanted replays to work through and work that Ego
does. Most of the night-thoughts are
unwanted and do not even make sense, but Ego decides to make you suffer and we
either allow it or not. I refuse to go
into 'wouldda, coulda, shoulda, because absolutely nothing positive is gained
from it all. It was what it was and we
are who we are now.
When we fight the nighttime thoughts, we strengthen
them. Usually these thoughts are things
you did not act on (regrets, in some weird way). They hold no power you do not
give to them. They are not dire
warnings, they are not hidden messages, they are not worthy of your time or
loss of sleep. You think them because
you choose to think them. Not stopping
the negative thoughts is a choice. They
show up, shimmer, disturb, and, if you do not give them power by allowing it to
continue, they fade off in the fog of sleep.
Again, obsessing over the night thoughts, is simply you allowing them power
over you. It is mind junk. It is your mind trying to get rid of
unimportant things. Get up, do
something, change the string of thoughts by reading, do anything that breaks
the stream of thoughts. Do not let Ego,
Evil Inner Witch, whatever is streaming these thoughts, take over your need for
rest. Be tender with your night times.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.21.19
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