Mindful Tenderness

“Everything I experience hits me deep, raw, and intense. ... I feel the energy of myself and others. As I age, this ability only grows deeper and stranger.”

― Sylvester McNutt III

We display tenderness, and try to soothe a hurt one, when we are very little and then we learn who to be tender with and who not too.  We are coached, taught, and, through trial and error, we either learn to be nurturing and tender or we learn to be cold and calm and sometimes we become too much so. 

Tenderness towards others is, typically, coached along our lifeline.  We learn to 'think' we know how others are feeling.  We learn to negotiate and reconcile and set examples of tenderness.  Some never are coached and some are not soulfully able to be compassion and tender because life taught them else.  And, emotionally, some are not available to be tender.

Some are very adept at emotionally expressing tenderness in all its names and labels.  Where trouble arises is when one cannot defer one's own emotional tenderness from other's needs for such.  Many times, in the far North, often, workers burned out, in part, from this.  Others became too detached.

When we are tender, not towards self, as much as towards others, we see someone who needs a tender moment and are able to react and respond accordingly.  Sometimes you simply have to respond to another in tender ways no matter how we feel inside.  When there are incidents of needing to react and respond, ethically, and/or, rationally, we may need to set aside any of our feelings and get done what needs being done.  At times, yes, we have to set our emotions in order to be helpful and logical in emergency situations.  But, somehow, some of us do not mature, emotionally, and we become more self-centered, emotionally, than outwardly tender.  Some become closed and cannot be vulnerable enough to reach out to comfort others, tenderly.  Some have reached emotional burn-out and need to acknowledge they are unable to feel tender in some situations.  Or, we can become enmeshed because we dropped our boundaries and now we are overloaded.   

As we age, we have had so many experiences with tenderness and with experienced that we did not feel tender towards.  We have been treated tenderly or not and if we do not do our own healing around this, we are not capable of true tenderness towards other hurting human beings.  As we age, we come to a place where we either close off from responding and reaching out in tender ways.  As well, if we have not worked on our own proverbial chite, we cannot begin to be of service to wounded human beings.  I think we become more in tune to our emotional platforms and we know ourselves well enough to know when we could, would, should have been more tender. 

As we age, our physical attributes and genetics rule a great deal of our life and so we do not seem to reach out to be tender to others because we are self-oriented.  I hope to never come to the place where I am more important, emotionally, than other's needs, when I come upon them.  I know that, as we age, it is easy to be more ME-focused.  We worry about our joints and bones that hurt;  we worry about stomach that does not agree;  we worry about social contacts;  we worry about being able to see, to read, to drive;  we worry about being able to deal with loneliness;  we worry about spirituality, about life led and life, yet, to live;  we worry about how we will die; and the list goes on.  And, we forget that there are myriads of baby boomers out there needing tender care and compassion, as well.  We repel negativity.  We repel change.  We repel others emotions because we feel we have to many of our own emotional needs yet to fill ( or we think should be filled by others).  We have many stressors that we had not encountered before, or had, but not this seriously.  We are as unique as snowflakes and we react and respond in ways we have conditioned ourselves to.   Yes, yes, we know there are those worse off than we are.  But, sometimes we rebel even against that. 

What we may forget is, we are nothing if we are simply ourselves.  We were always meant to be a tribe.  We were put down here to take care of Mother Earth and each other.  That!  Some of us have a long way to go yet.  We do not know what tenderness we will need to come.  It can never be about just this moment, we always have to keep our eyes glancing at the horizon, too.  We need to be supporters more than leaners or we all go down.  God help me be more tender towards others.  I refuse to be a bitter old bag.  I simply have to respond in tender ways, even towards those who are not tender towards me.  I may need their tenderness later.  What if we cut off what tenderness we may need.  We all know of at least one older person who is bitter and mean-spirited, for whatever their reasons.  Let us not be that.  Let us be mindful about tenderness.

©Carol Desjarlais 11.14.19