“That
is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply
with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.”
― Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
― Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
Trust is a huge deal and we all define and react
trust in unique ways. We either learn to
get through issues and trust again, or we refuse too. We can justify why, and when we do, it is all
about past chite and our reactions to it all that makes us resilient or
vulnerable to trust. I know that I have
to forgive, and I have forgiven huge things, because I want freedom from the
bitterness, from the aching hard feelings that live within the folds of my
heart if I do not. I am one who trusts
until a trust is broken and then I simply have to walk away to save
myself. The deeper the cut, the longer
it takes to get around it, bury it, and move on and not let that be the basis
for every other relationship I have. Trust and tenderness is an issue we work on forever, pehaps.
There are times when we cannot trust ourselves, and
we know it./ We slip back into old ways
of reacting and acting and the more times we find ourselves in the same old,
same old, the harder it is to forgive ourselves for our part in it like a
scripted actor. We spend a great deal of
time trying to justify until we realize, we cannot. We have to admit our flaw and then work like
heck to forgive ourselves for it and change.
Saying we cannot, or do not have to, is mere justification so that we
can continue on with the drama and the chaos that not changing can bring. Somehow we have to learn that the world is
not all about us, and that we are all about the world. No trust means that we, ourselves, are not
trustworthy for ourselves.
Once you start on the road to self-forgiveness and
rebuilding trust with self, you will fight many battles with your Ego. You will feel fear because Ego wishes us to
feel vulnerable. It will tell you you
are too weak, too stubborn, and/or too angry to change. If you walk away from a chance to forgive
yourself, it will burrow deeper into your soul.
Sometimes I am too bullheaded and want to hang on to things I should
not. Bullheadedness is not sacredness by
any means. It is Ego-driven. Again, only if we learn to trust ourselves do
we know, and automatically do, trust others.
It is ourselves we are afraid of, no one else.
After a feeling of being hurt in some way, we need
to take some time to really study ourselves.
What in us caused it? There can
never be a full answer. One has to weigh
whether they can trust themselves again, and what it is going to take to do
so. It is deep internal work. We know we all have flaws. We need to worry about our own. fear and/or anger will keep us from ever
trusting again. For a time, we may need
to withdraw and however frustrating, get our heads and hearts clear.
All of us have issues...all of us. The good wolf, the bad wolf...'depends on
which one we feed'.... and we all have issues, I think, to work on. I would never be emotionally distant. That is not me. But, one must always be willing to look at
their own flight or fight issues. What
triggers it? Can we consider ourselves
tender when there is the hungry wolf inside us?
©Carol Desjarlais 11.18.19
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