The Tender Awe

I place my heart back in its nest and will the doves to enter it.

There are things that detour us from staying positive and it is not THAT which caused it but WHY I allowed it too.  When we are casting out for lines to follow to our happiness, we can actually get distracted and force ourselves into positions where sadness and all the negative emotions become our focus.  Some of us who have made mistakes in relationships are good at this, I discovered.  The closer I get, the more comfortable I get, I can, and have, betimes, self-sabotage. 

Oh we all dream dreams, and wish wishes, and think we crave something, but, in all that is logic.  I have said, before, we cannot have what we cannot have and sometimes we have to learn to just be danged grateful for the things we do have.  Anything negative can have a positive spin.  Without comparing ourselves to someone else, dreaming someo0ne else's dream, wishing someone else's dream, what do we KNOW makes us happy?  

Yes, there are possibilities of many things, but are they all for you or something ego-driven?  As my girlfriend, in Maine, said, "Don't look back, you are not going that way!"  There are many things that I am glad did not happen.  I always said, "I would not want to win a million dollars because it would ruin me!"  I laughed as I said this, but it is true.  I am not meant to live that kind of life.  I might have put on airs at one time, but, thank goodness I was diverted.  It is much simpler to jsut live with what you have.  I am too old to want what I wanted in my teens, in my motherhood, in my retirement, and, after losing the absolutely love of my life,  and accepting it, I am satisfied.  I do not want anything good to be ripped from me again.  Enough is enough. 

I am enough.  I have grown and matured and been foolish and been wise, and learned my lessons well.  My skin has been stretched and scarred and marked and so has my spirit, betimes.  I can now focus on things that are important, and the latest clothing, hair style, make up does not beauty make.  Yes, I still like my daughter to do my hair in something new so I do not FEEL same old, same old, but I am not hiding behind it.  I simply need to take care of the body I have now and carry on.

I have learned you cannot make a silk purse from a sow's ear.  Such wisdom that.  We can only change ourselves.  I am not going to worry about other people any more other than in compassionate, caring, nurturing ways that do not take away from me being careful of self, of nurturing, caring and being compassionate with self in equal measures.  I am going to be protector of my spirit as I always said I was doing in one area of my life.  I need to remember why I felt like that.

I have been conscious of things I say and what things I say might be racist or demeaning.  As I censor what I say, I find old exclamations that do not belong in today's language, my language.  I have to stop two sayings that never even entered my head as racist or demeaning.  Kaput!  They are gone!  Now to examine more of what I say. 

I am a hugger.  I am affectionate that way, but my daughter has taught me that not all people are receptive to that.  She is definitely not a hugger.  I am a hug and patter, like my mother before me.  I am a patter.  I guess it is my way of showing care, interest, and affection.  Perhaps it is that I, myself, want a hug, a pat, a hug and pat.  Perhaps it is a part of my happiness.

We are all Divine miracles.  We need to be conscious of the Divine in others.  Even our flaws are Divine.  Perhaps it is our very flaws that keep us humble and make us even more Divine.  Because we are Divine, we should seek the divinity in others.  We should be in awe of each other.

When we bypass the physical, intellectual and emotional, we come to the core of the meaning our living and our life holds.  There, in the seat of our soul, is our purpose...and, I should say, "purposes"  We have put effort in to becoming who we are.  We have been committed to being who we are.  Why, then, do we think we have no purpose?  Were we trying to live someone else's idea of what our purpose should be?  Sometimes, I think this is true. Happiness depends on satisfaction with who you are at this moment and moving on to the next moment.

What would a life on easy street do for us?  I think we are made by the difficulties we have created in our lives.  It is not simply that WE created difficulties for ourselves, it is more about what we did when we created them.  There is always something new to learn about ourselves.  We are not static beings.  Our happiness depends on our ability to change, to meet the challenges and to conquer ourselves.  

Our Happiness and Joy is always apparent and felt by those around us.  Our positives AND negatives draw others to us.  We are constantly in a war with what we want, need, wish for, hope for, and what comes of it all.  Sometimes we have to adjust our inner lenses and see ourselves as others see us.  Perhaps that glimpse will help us know what part of us rubs Mother Earth and the ether the wrong way.  The happiness comes when we surmount that mountain of Ego and take the easy ride home knowing we have won that battle.  It will always be uphill, methinks, but the downslide, easy flat ways of living are good for some.  For me?  Not so much.  I am always challenging myself.  Sometimes I learn the lessons right off.  Sometimes I am a slow learner.  But, when I discover something about myself, sometimes with prodding, I tender to be in shock and shiver and quiver in the foreign land of how someone else defines me.  It takes a long, loving, sincere, look within to discover the balance. I come to the knowing that I am who I am and that is okay to be that, just some fine tuning might need to happen.  I can do that.  I am worth it.  

I will look upon myself in tender awe!  I have been more courageous than even the most intimate others could even imagine.  I have kept much to myself, believe it or not. I have often restrained myself;  my joy, my sorrow, my happiness, my sorrow, so others do not feel the weight of what I am carrying.  I have let few all the way in.  I have been made sorry I let some in so far.  I will continue to hold even more of myself in because my happiness does not depend on anyone else.  I know I am my own hero.  I need no affiliation or affirmation.  It has always been there.  I have given enough.

I send you love and light.  I wish you peace and happiness.  I hope that we all know what is most important in our life.  We are!  I place my heart back in its nest and will the doves to enter it.

©Carol Desjarlais 11.30.19

Preparing to Celebrate the Tenderness of the Coming Celebrations

"On the first day of winter,
the earth awakens to the cold touch of itself.
Snow knows no other recourse except
this falling, this sudden letting go
over the small gnomed bushes, all the emptying trees.
Snow puts beauty back into the withered and malnourished,
into the death-wish of nature and the deliberate way
winter insists on nothing less than deference.
waiting all its life, snow says, "Let me cover you."
-   Laura Lush, The First Day of Winter

Today is a cold, dry, winter day.  Our first cold of the winter.  I have put up the tree, with our two year old great granddaughter, Averee.  It carries symbolism of my way of life.

I have, for many years, when we celebrated Christmas at home, had birds, holly, snow, nests, feathers, on our Christmas tree.    The joy in celebrating and gatherings are ancient.  The coming solstice is a time of rejoicing because it meant the darkest night and the coming of more light.  Many of the old symbols and traditions still hold because the early people were forced to hide their beliefs in incorporating ways to have them fit into the new beliefs.  It was a trick that still holds true today. 

Once the celebrations were Roman in that the festival of Saturnia was held to honor the Roman God Saturn ( Dec 17 - 24).  Santa Claus, himself is representative of the God Odin.  It was a gathering and feasting time.  The Aerra Geola moon begins to grow fuller as the Yule begins towards the end of November and usually is celebrated for two moon months. 

I put up the symbol of Holly to celebrate this.  It is a roman symbolism the masculine (the God Odin) of this season. It was usually placed outside the door, on windows and hearths.  The prickly leaves were symbolism of warding off anything negative coming into the house.  The berries represent hope for the future.

Mistletoe is the feminine symbolism used by Druids in special winter ceremonies.  The green elves symbolize the fertility of the feminine, Mother Goddess. The mistletoe grows on the Oak trees and the leaves were gathered by maidens who used golden scythes to cut the branches where the mistletoe was.  It was believed that the women must catch the mistletoe in order to have a fertile upcoming year.  If the branches fell to the ground it was thought that the fertility would fall to the ground and the sacred energy would not be caught by the people. The sprigs were distributed amongst the townsfolk and were hung over doorways to protect against the negatives of Mother Nature.  It could also be worn by newly joined couples, as amulets, for the chance of being fertile. It was also put above the headboards of their bed.

Decorating with things of the natural world honored Mother Nature..feathers, pinecones, acorns, etc.  Wreaths were begun with the Romans in pagan times.  They represent the wheel of the year and were hung throughout the home.  They were also given as gifts of goodwill and friendship.  The Christmas tree and boughs symbolize that which does not die (eternal life), since the evergreen does not lose its green and look dead like other trees.  The popcorn strands were to encourage and gift winter birds.

Wassail means 'good health', and was a strong ale of honey, spices, apple cider, etc.  Soaking a Christmas cake in liquor is also representative of this.  

Decorating in green and red represent pagan colors of fertility where red represents Odin, white represents new beginnings and hope and new light coming.  Gold represents the Roman Sun.

As well, the Christmas balls are representative of the sun and stars in the heaven.  It is also an ancient symbol of fertility (eggs).   It is to note that the stars are early symbols of the pentacle.    

Christmas Carols is also an ancient tradition of honoring winter.  Children would sing from house to house and be given tokens and sweets and little gifts to show willingness to share in prosperity at whatever level they could.

The lights of Christmas began with bonfires and candles being lit and kept lit for the darkest days.  It represents the light within the homes, warmth and the warding off of darkness.  The lights were seen as a way to beckon more light.

Bells became in ancient time because they were used to ward off evil in the darkest of days.  Bells were rung in early morning to chase away the darkness and encourage the sun to shine during the day.

Even elves were part of the ancient times in that it was thought little people helped to encourage the sun to come and get the earth warm.

Gingerbread was actually a bread served in the times of the crusades during the darkest coldest part of their crusades.  It was only allowed at this season in the 11th century, but was originally made in the coldest months because ginger was a medicine to ward off winter sicknesses. 

The giveaway was also celebrated in ancient cultures as people would go through their belongings and find things that they no longer used or needed and it was handed out to the community to those who needed more.  It is also why we do pre-Christmas house cleaning.  It is symbolic of getting rid of negative energy that has accumulated. 

This time was seen, by the ancients, as a time for quiet work within the house and buildings.  It is a time for reflection and remembering of good memories so they might start the new year with good thoughts, having cast off negative ones. 

I honor the goddess of this moon, the Maiden, the Mother, the Crone.  I become all nurturing and desire gathering.  Our world has so changed and there is little time to evoke the memories of harder times than we have ever had.  And, so, my tree is up, decorations starting, and I am well into preparing baking and gifts and gatherings. I hope this helps you take a few moments to remember our ancestors and how they still influence our holidays.

©Carol Desjarlais 11.29.19

Tender Reach

Age, toward which you draw amid the storms of life, is nothing so dreadful. Those who call it so have found all stages of life unwelcome, thanks to their mishandling of life, not to a particular age. ~Francesco Petrarca (Petrarch), letter, c.1366–1367, translated by Morris Bishop, 1966

I have come to consider that maturity has to do with responsibility.  We should be responsible, emotionally, and then, it follows that life might be so hard on us as we age.  If we have not dealt with life's stressors, throughout our life and expect our older age to be easy, we are wrong.  As the physical breaks down, wears out, ages out, that, alone is enough stressors.  If we are emotionally immature, it follows that we will react, more emotionally, to the others stress areas of our life and, thus, have no reserves.  Same old.  Same old, only worse, because the body betrays us.  It all comes down to choice, to maturing in all areas of our life.  It has to do with attitudes, as well.  All we have to do is think to ourselves, "life sucks", and it will.  All we have to do is say, "I do not have to change,"  and it will come to a time and place that we are truly stuck and life will be more than hard to try to change, then.  Best we do it as it comes, methinks.

What do we value?  What is worth doing, when intelligence and emotion and spirit is not involved?  Once we find a passion for things, we fill up our time, and change towards being able to gain what we value.  Who do we spend our time on?  Are we more focused on Self than others.  I think there is something to the fact that, if we do for others, maintain accessibility for others, our lives should remain adventurous, affable, and time does not seem to slow to a snail's pace because we are involved with our living. It has never been 'what can the world do for me...', it has always been about 'what can I do for the world?'

If we have truly lived and have found ways to maintain some sort of balance in our lives, we will find that we were always independent.  it is only us that gives up our power.  We have set things we will do and things we will not do.  We have tried (yes, and sometimes failed) at setting boundaries.  But, hopefully we have learned that there needs be some give and take, to following our heart and making wise choices.  And, there needs be learning the lessons as we go rather than stay mired in same old, same old, that ends up 'same old'.  We were born with a gnaw to rise and walk on our own two feet.  We were born to seek mastery over ourselves and our own limitations.

We always have to be willing to learn the lessons and to go from tunnel-vision of memememe, to a world-conscious being, one tribe to the next.  We learn to be aware of beyond the nipple.  We were meant to learn from our experiences, from our mistakes, and to blossom beyond self-interest.  We grow beyond fulfilling the need to manipulate (crying for attention, food, shelter, as a new baby) in order to get what we want.  We learn to surround ourselves with people of like mind, but those who press us to more forward thinking.  We are meant to be problem-solvers. We seek self-mastery and the day we give that up, we are giving up on life.  

We learn to accept differences in others, to accept our own differences, and when to, perhaps, learn new truths about ourselves in the process.  We, alone, know our own weaknesses and flaws and what we should be working on to become more rounded, healthy, human beings.  We know our own courage.  We know our own wisdom.  We learn not to dread what might be dreadful because, there is always a solution and what is does not need to be what is.  Choices. Yes, we may choose wrong, but t is our responsibility to make wiser choices second time around.

Attitude gets us everywhere.  We learn to persevere and we learn patience.  We know rules and we know what are suggestions.  We know what rules apply to us and what do not.  We seek the highest good in people, places and things.  Everything is not supposed to be perfect, we are developing beings.  We can't have what we cannot have.  We learn self-control. We learn to keep a rein on our instant gratification in all areas of our life.  We learn that we are enough, we have enough, and not to desire things that are simply not in our reach, not good for us, or just not in our cards.  Attitude.  

We learn toleration until we solve something in a better way for us.  We need to pause, to keep it simple, and to deal with our own problems.  We learn to consider alternatives and consequences.  We learn that we need to have, or should be now, developing gratitude.  As I age, my gratitude list surely has been cut down to core things.  We learn to be giving and in sharing and in generosity.  It is there that we truly grasp the lessons of how blessed we are when we are giving back.  

We learn, as we have gone through life, the blessings of being honest with and about Self.  We learn about humiliation, about how we might be difficult, how we might need to change something in ourselves in order to life a life of integrity.  We learn not to compromise our integrity because someone else wishes it.  We should be wishing it for ourselves.  If we come from a place of soul, we come from our core belief system and our core truths.

We learn not to blame others, but to find the mote in our eye and remove it ourselves.  We learn to be accountable for what we say and do and act upon. Our destiny is hinged on choices that we are accountable for.   We look for ways to grow, to learn to develop, to become better accountants of Mother Earth and others.  The more we grow, the more we have to offer.  We can decide whether to live an accountable life or one where we blamed or shamed others for our position in life.  We do have accountability for our own destiny.

Yes, the years are going to get difficult in ways we had not thought of.  The little things we took for granted are where life will find you lacking if we do not learn to pare down our wants and needs until we are at core self-sufficiancy.  The pride, the peace, the wisdom and wealth we will have is in the depth of our soul.  It is big work and if we have not devleoped the skills of physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual before this, we best be working on them.  Bless us as we work on them.  Bless each other.

©Carol Desjarlais 11.28.19

Tender Mercies

 “oh, the heartbreakingly beautiful tender weight of being human.” ― AVA., you are safe here.

When our emotions mature, we should be remembering past hard things in a positive light;  what lesson did we learn, what blessings came, and how did it change you for the better, rather than poor pitiful me.  Otherwise we remain a woman dragging her teenaged wishes and hopes and unresolved issues along with us into our Elderhood.

As we mature, we should be able to regulate our emotions and when we have healed the past, as best we can, we should not be reacting/acting out of those lost teenager's broken hearts and wishes and dreams.  We come, I believe, to experience a lessening of what we once thought near to life or death and realize that they were mere pebbles compared to hard things that come as we age and life hands us bigger losses to deal with. As we age, we desire more peace and therefore, we mature into remembering the more positive things and positive outlooks on past memories.  I feel this, strongly.

I now seem to put a 'lesson learned' thought to memories.  Apparently this is the best way to make life more peaceful as we age and evolve towards and end goal of trying to regulate life as we remember it.  The stories we tell, more and more, have a happier evolution as if we were trying to put forward that life was not at all all unpleasant.  As if, we reconcile our thoughts to it all being worthwhile, in some way.  The song "My Way" sung by so many different singers, and has become a classic, pretty much says it all, in ways we reconcile:

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I've traveled each and every highway
But more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill my share of losing
And now, as tears subside
I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that
And may I say - not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes, it was my way

-Songwriters: Claude Francois / Gilles Thibaut / Jacques Revaux / Paul Anka ( which truly surprised me and found that Anka found this song, in France and rewrote it for his hit song)

To be healthy aging women, we absolutely have to find a way to not dwell on our past negatives.  Living with regrets, anger, hurt, from past things simply means you will remain unhappy, worried, stressed, and shame-ridden.  We cannot change anything in the past.  We can only change the NOW in preparation for the NEXT.  It has always been our choice.

©Carol Desjarlais 11.27.19