Holding Space For Soul Friends

 

 

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

If you are who you are, you will find a friend who is who they are.  Neither will have to do any “dressing up” to be acceptable to each other. Spontaneity will always give away those who are not real.   

All women need that ONE friend to share living life with, someone who is MEANT to be your soul friend, when friendship develops as you nurture and build trust. It builds even more as you face challenges and adventures, joys and sorrows. Soul friends do not ever tell white lies to you to keep you a friend.  These kinds of friends have no hidden agendas of any kind, conscious or unconscious.  Soul friends know that such friendships are ever and will see each other through the ups and downs with out using or abusing such nurturing and compassion. 

A true deep and lasting friendships takes give and take, unconditionally nurturing and leaning and cheerleading and deep compassion.  It is a relationship that gives courage and support.  It has to be hard work and support and great love that is almost mothering at times.  Whether successes or failures, we are there for each other. To have a good friend, we must be one.  No jealousy, and if there are spats, we figure them out because our friendship is worth it. 

In fact, we are so compatible that soul friends fill our loneliness.  It is not the quantity; it is the quality no matter what face book says.  It is depth that makes a friendship such a privilege.  It is sitting close together so that we do not miss a thing; not text, not any other media makes up for eye-to-eye contact and hand to heart. 

We need someone who we can tell our story to and not have to hurry or be interrupted and we know there is deep listening going on because we can see it.  Good friendships are ones that help us process chite.  They help us weigh out doubts and fear and scrambled thoughts.  They are the ones who tell us like it is; like, since they know us so well, it should be and how we might not be looking at things without deep emotionalism instead of using our head.  Soul friendships allow for lingering long after we are apart. 

I think women of old had the best of it.  They had little to interrupt their quilting sessions, baking groups, when they had the time for them.  And they made time for them.  They found each other interesting.  They could tell, without words, what was going on with each other because their listening was full-body listening.  We need that.  We need to find ways to have that again.

How do we get that?

Hold Space you make for kindness and compassion.  See those women, around you, that are, also, holding space for others and show compassion.  Give others the gift of your imperfections and let them give you theirs.    Hold space for wounds and failures of your own so that kindness can come in the other women’s time(s) of need.  Carry theirs as well as yours.  Such things create a relationship of oneness so that, together, you never feel alone. 

I do not know when we stopped listening to each other.  Listen, even if their thoughts differ.  Take care of yourself so that you can be there for others. 

This new year, I wish you soul connections.  I wish you never feel like you are not enough.  I wish you the blessings of a soul-sister that will be there for your glories and your ‘gories’.  I wish you this, above all, so you can tread onwards with your own cheerleader.  I wish the same for myself. 

©Carol Desjarlais 12.31.21

 

Emotional Abandonment

 

 

 

 

When other people are not meeting your needs, you begin to feel lonely, rejected, unloved, and abandoned.  It is a natural human response.  It is messy and multi-layered.  We need others to hold space for us.  We need to hold space for ourselves. 

Sometimes it may come from someone else needing their own space for a bit while they are working out their own abandonment issues.  Because we all have these feelings, when two feel the same, but are unable to express it, there may be some manipulation in it.  Others may show bullying and anger to try to keep someone in their lives.  Everyone involved becomes ultra-sensitive and it heightens the feelings unable to be expressed. 

We can not be emotionally available all the time.  We are all unique and have our own unique histories that we may know nothing about.  It does not necessarily mean I do not love you.  It means, I need space to figure this emotional situation out. 

If we look at the wider ideology of emotional abandonments, we see that we do not stop loving someone when they die.  In fact, we love them more.  Sometimes you need to hold love for someone going through emotional turmoil.  Do you understand that love emanates from you and only you.  Your love is yours.  You can only abandon your own self-love.  Others do not count. 

Compassion is the key to understanding and for being able to hold space for another.  You must not block what others can give and, instead, in that space you hold for yourself, fill it with loving acts. 

Love is there whether it is reciprocal at all.  Think back and remember a time when you loved more than you received.  We have those, all of us.  Remember that first boyfriend you thought you would die without.  Didn’t die, did you!  You held that love and eventually you found someone you could give it to that gave back.  You are that love, not someone else.  Don’t bury that in you.  Don’t let scar tissue break open every time it starts to feel that you are being abandoned.  Hold on to all that love you have because your love is not dependent on anyone else.  

 

When you are not feeling fulfilled and love simply is never returned and you begin to suffer from it, it may mean you need to disentangle yourself.  You need to identify that because you love, it hurts and acknowledge that.  If you feel anger; feel it.  Then, turn that unwanted love on to those who love and deserve you.  Honor the love you carry within your soul.  Turn that love in on itself and let it grow within you so that scar tissue does not build up and close your heart to others being able to love you. 

If you are lonely and feeling unloved and abandoned, seek out ways to fulfill that need within you by finding those that need more love than they are getting.  Your love needs someplace to go.  Do not abandon yourself.

©Carol Desjarlais 12.28.21