When we set good boundaries, they are not rigid… like the line you drew when you were kids in the backseat of your parent’s car, and you drew a line ‘between you and him’ that was rigid, indeed, and not to even cross a fingernail across… unless, of course, you were an older sister and your brother was soooo fun to bug. Many of us think of boundaries as a huge brick wall that nothing should cross. But, that is just part of the wall. As we set boundaries, we have to recognize that there are different parts of boundaries. There are times when boundaries need to be flexible. There are times boundaries need to be memory foam pliable. We, also, need some soft boundaries. There are times when the wall, set in stone, needs to be as high as the sky. And some boundaries need to be physical, others need to be psychological. All boundaries are personal, intimate, and either passive or aggressive.
Flexible Boundaries are ones we sometimes need to start with and are more often the case than any other kind of boundary. We may have internal boundaries that allow for flexibility so that we maintain the control yet will not allow ourselves to be manipulated.
Pliable boundaries are ones we make when we are not confident about what to let in and what not to. Usually these show up when we are dealing with trust issues. These boundaries are like Goldilocks being in a mattress store and trying out different mattresses looking for one just perfectly right for herself.
Soft Boundaries are when we get confused about our boundaries versus others’ boundaries. Soft boundaries have their time and place. When we move into relationships, we allow others to cross this kind of boundary yet we, then, set appropriate boundaries from whatever boundary-crossing happens. Sometimes there needs to be give and take and we know ourselves well enough to know when we need to apply a different boundary style. We must be careful with this kind of boundary setting… it is easy to be manipulated with this boundary when it may need to have been more rigid.
Rigid boundaries is meant for only the direst situations such as women in abusive relationships, that are emotionally or physically abusive. These boundaries, for sure, a judged and acted upon in a personal way. It depends on time and place as to what needs this total barrier as we all react to situations differently.
All types and reasons for the different types of boundaries are in our control, totally. Those who feel weak may rely heavily on the stronger walls. Those who have stronger personalities, more ‘awoke’ personalities, or, even, more experienced personalities will make better choices at types of boundaries need for different situations. Setting the right boundary for each situation may mean you need more than one per incident. The importance is that you set one for each incident. We cannot choose a rigid boundary before we have done the work of looking at what can be learned from your need to raise a boundary.
Setting the proper boundary for a situation can fee you, bring you peace. Sometimes we need to pause and do some inner work surrounding the WHY we were thinking to set a new boundary. This can helps us know what kind of boundary to set, or if we even need one. We must not play games with our boundaries. We must be honest and certain that a boundary needs to be set, or not. Boundaries not only affect us. What will setting a boundary do for those we think we are setting one for? We owe it to those around us to make the right boundaries, and we owe it to them to tell them a boundary has been set, and why. We do not want resentment; we simply want protection… and we may need to look at our need to control.
Do not set boundaries lightly. Sometimes our boundaries cause others to set up boundaries right next to ours and it may be the end of a chance for a more beautiful relationship for having working things through.
I had need of a boundary earlier this Spring. I had tried the soft boundary. Nada help. I set a next boundary that had some ‘give’ to it. As soon as I set that second boundary, I started seeing the passive aggressive testing by her. I finally, after the last sacrilege, set a boundary in stone. This was about having confided a deep sacred personal sitatu9on and having her go to that person and telling him what I had said (sixty decades again and then again, this spring to start a 40-year-old chaos by stirring up trouble all over again. Rather than get angry and jump into the stew and brew of a long-ago sacrilege, I simply started the wall and made it sky high and permanent.
And it hurt like heck to do it. It hurt beyond her sacrilege. It hurt for a permanent stop of all our shared memories. It involves more than us as our children called each other cousins. We knew each others parents. Our children called us their aunties. It was the end of 50 years of close-as-sisters relationship. The interesting things is that I do not feel badly about the boundary. In fact, I have felt freed from her drama and the weight she added to my every day. There is no grief in the loss. When we set good boundaries, the right feelings and growth will come from it.
Sometimes we go through life with our head in the clouds and simply let serious things go by. Set your boundaries well.
©Carol Desjarlais 24.11.20
Reference:
https://www.amazon.ca/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611
No comments:
Post a Comment