“You know what was true…God knows what is true... and to hell with everyone else!” - (wise counsel, from a friend’s mother when I was a little girl and blamed for something I did not do.)
One of my brothers told a story about his temper and a friend saying, “Boy, you gotta lotta darkness in your heart over that!” The phrase stuck with me. I use it all the time in jest: Boy, I’ve gotta lotta darkness in my heart over _____ (fill in the blank). To deny that we all have, at some time, had darkness in our hearts, would not be authentic. There are triggers we all own, each individual to us, but triggers being a commonality. Each of us have “lost it” at some point. I have "lost it” many times. We have shadows. We do. The same way darkness ceases when a light is turned on, the darkness in our hearts vanishes when exposed to the light of awareness and honesty. We are terrified someone might find out we are not perfect. We deeply believe that we are not allowed to be weak, to be vulnerable, to be broken, to admit such. Too often I have shouted when I should have stayed silent. I learned a really good, hard hurting, lesson this Spring.
I was accused of something I did not do and someone betrayed me bigtime, beyond belief, bigtime. And, I refused to stand up for myself, to defend myself, to even speak to that person ever again. This person knew all my deepest darkest secrets and she shared them, including one with my childhood rapist, in the past, and I had let that ride. I thought, this time, being accused of something I did not do, that every fibre of my being wanted to defend myself … and I did not. I spent a few weeks with darkness in my heart over it. Then, I refused to let it haunt me. And then... I felt freed: Freedom from the need to even bother with defense, from needing to shout it from the mountain top that it is not FAIR, that it hurts, that they are being abusive. But silence magnifies it in some way and is more empowering than verbally requesting resolution.
Darkness’s in the heart are places where fear resides. Fear’s masks include vanity, false pride, downgraded hopes, depression, and the like. Often that darkness seeps out as anger. It is difficult to be wrong or to respond to wrongs with some grace and dignity, I have found. Our sense of fairness is like some light at the end of a long tunnel. We think we want some sense of justice but that desire comes from rattles in the dark wants and needs of fragile and brittle Ego. That darkness keeps us weak and self-protective.
What can we make of our darkness’? First of all, I know I have had to find the key trigger that is like a light switch within. It has taken me many decades (7) to finally learn to bring out the sludge and grudges that kept me psychologically weak and unable to cope with what felt like injustices. I do not know where we all got the idea that life should be fair. But I lived from that perspective and it always got me back to the same feelings of retort and resentment and residuals of shame and guilt that followed. Shedding light on our dark spaces allows us to understand our sunshines as well as shadows. It is hard work. It hurts. To me, it is like cleaning the toilets in the house. Not my favorite job, but someone has to do it and it seems to be only me that it bothers.
©Carol Desjarlais 23.11.20
coloring a collage activity
a cut out from a magazine glued on to a background
making it one's own by painting over
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