Boundaries

It's OK if everything might feel a bit overwhelming.
It's OK to talk about it.
It's OK to not want to talk about it.
It's OK to find it funny.
It's OK to be human.

- by Scarlett Curtis

Boundaries need to be set, constantly, I find.  Every relationship needs its boundaries and are made from within, from heart and soul, to ensure that we choose right people, and right people who will not betray you, and keep you from sharing too much in trust.  One can get really hurt when boundaries are not set to keep Self from telling too much to too many.  Without boundaries, or when you have shared too much, there can be chaos, no matter how old you are.  How much is too much, in a relationship of any kind? 

I have a belief that, if you have been in an abusive relationship in the past, you might have a lingering aspect of that relationship, in that you heal, but in that healing, you continue to make yourself vulnerable to others.  Our most intimate relationships are not with just partners.  Other relationships need boundaries, as well, to make sure you do not tell things from the past that will make you vulnerable to them.  We make mistakes.  We fix what we can.  Then, it is wise not to repeat those things to anyone.  If we have healed, we would not. 

Sometimes people criticize in passive aggressive ways. Every person has their own reasons for doing/saying something, and if that leads you to be too confident in trust, it can be broken, and we end up feeling betrayed when all the flags were there and we chose not to see them.  Bottom line, we need to take care of our own 'stuff' and there is no sensible reason why you need to share with anyone else:  Time and situational appropriateness.

Many times during our lives, boundaries have become an issue, for some.  I am one.  I am guilty of saying too much and I live with the consequences, but that means, I learned, again, about boundaries.  Trying to solve such is ludicrous.  I am guilty of sharing too much and I have learned my lesson now, finally, for once and for all.

I have a life to lead, as do all.  I need to respect myself and forget that others do not.  While this, once, would have destroyed me, emotionally, this time, I work through it more quickly and there is no solution but mine.  I have to retain my authentic self, and value what I have learned.  I need to expect loyalty, and respect, from everyone in my life, and I need not place myself in such situations ever again.  I can no longer be a caretaker, a sounding board, a scapegoat, a pleaser.  I have my own troubles and I have worked hard to work on enmeshments in the past, so again, I take responsibility for what I am, who I was, when I have told authentic stories, and refuse to be sidetracked by those who are hurt and hurt people.

This can sting, but it is not devastating.  If we allow others to devastate us, we need to look at boundaries.  This can be a life changing situation, of course, but we should not put ourselves in a place where we are watching our back after sharing too much.  I am only victim to myself.

“When those on whom we depend for love and support betray our trust, the feeling is like a stab at the heart that leaves us feeling unsafe, diminished, and alone.” - Julie Fitness, psychologist.

If you ever find yourself in a situation, you unwittingly caused, it is moment of learning.  We can either obsess about it, and our Ego will demand we stand up for ourselves, or we can simply let it go and move on.  Usually there has been a warning or another incidence of such and you must not overlook some important things in relationships and then act all surprised when it is done again.  The only person who needs to clarify the situation is the "I".  There is no need, although mine is strong, to defend oneself against half-truths or non-truths, or even truths. 

Upon processing the events, one has to accept that the friendship is over and done with and all the good things that came of it, keep, the lessons, keep, but the truth will always remain the same. Feel it and process it, accept responsibility, and be honest with self. I told the truth as I knew it.  I, later, knew different, but at the time of the event, 35 years ago, it was my truth.

There is no one sure way to deal with such.  It is individual. Acknowledge what you feel.  Feel it, then deal with how you need to deal with it while you sit with the feelings.  It might take a restless night, or two, to come up with your personal solution that will create peace in your life.  But, you cannot let a broken trust with one become the broken trust of all.  Never tell anyone deeply personal things that can be used as a weapon.  We should not have to watch our back.  I am working on that now

Oh, yes, that, and boundaries.  

©Carol Desjarlais 2.29.20

 

The Bison/Buffalo/iinii

We know all Plains tribes have an integral connection to the buffalo.  There are many stories and legends and a resurgence of Buffalo by tribes who are bringing them back.  There are many physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual connections. 

Buffalo were always medicine and, before it was decided, by the conquerors, there was not one part of the Buffalo that was not sacred.  They were gifted with knowledge and unity, with hope and change.  They were gifted with meanings most of us simply cannot fathom today.

To dream, or see, a Buffalo is to know that one's soul needs harmony.  If burdens are heavy, it reminds us to persevere.  For me, I chose to spend time with the Buffalo to manifest my desire to return to the medicine I need at this time.  The Buffalo are one of the most sacred totems we can carry with us for a time. It brings with it abundance and joy and hard times, as well.  

A Buffalo can be very dangerous, if crossed, and it reminds us that there is a time and place for alertness, for anger, for working through to balance.  The Buffalo knows that energy needed for a short time might be used up if we hang on to it too long.  They reprimand and then walk away.  When we are in tune with the medicine of the Buffalo, we might look at what direction the buffalo stands.  It is a clue as to what direction we must turn to seek healing.

https://www.slideshare.net/nechiman/introduction-to-the-medicine-wheel-october2016
Buffalo are herd animals and are lost without their herd.  This reminds us to fix family issues and remember the good of one is the good of all.  There will be conflict, as seen with the Buffalo in breeding season, or when territory of one bull is challenged by another.  But there is, again, a time and place for all things and unity and harmony must be found.  To be a lone buffalo, in the North, is to open self up to wolves.  It may be time to take back your power.

When you are seeking spiritual answers for your spiritual self, you can turn to all things buffalo.  To forget that there is sacredness to all aspects of self is to lose a great part and interconnections with all parts of who you are.  Gather up your balance, however you know to, however you can learn to, and walk with dignity and sureness.  Stand firm, stand your ground, and take what actions your soul tells you to take.  Only you can solve your own adversities.  Work on your own issues.  Make right what is not right within you or you become prey to those who would use you ill.  You know, I know, my truths and we know the courage to settle those truths within us.  No need defending self to those who simply do not matter to your own continuum.  

Give service to those who deserve it.  Withdraw from those who do not.  It is your choice and judgment that counts, not anyone else.  Again, chose your battles wisely.

I was praying hard for someone and while deep in this thought, this painting came.

 I used some collage to begin with. I wanted some depth to his broad forehead. 

 I used a sponge dauber to get some base. I am using a limited palette.

Then I moved in to do detail

There comes so much peace when I do my art.  This one became peace.  This is going to be an honor gift for someone.

©Carol Desjarlais 2.28.20

Medicine Women

Every color of people have their ancient ways of healing.  Most had Medicine Women.  I have sooo missed being able to be involved since I lost my soulmate and I had to give away and put away the things that were gifted to me.  I have had my four years and I am waiting for the signal that I am to begin again.  I long for it. I miss the Medicine Women I have had the honor of meeting and who influenced my life.

A Medicine woman can be a psychologist, a dentist, a psychiatrist, a counselor, and many things that is asked of her to be, and, sometimes, not asked.  Medicine Women quietly attempt to keep harmony within family, friends (sometimes strangers), band, tribe, and globally.  She has a mothering nature, a nurturing nature, and there is always that something extra that draws you to her.  There never is payment, but gifts and honor and respect were often given to her.  If you are ever asked for payment, she is not authentic.  It is not a job, it is a dedication to things of spirit, of soul, and beyond ken, most times.  

You will still find authentic Medicine Women up in the North where they still retain their traditions in the old way.  There are still Medicine Women in the East and South and West.  They can be young or old, dressed in traditional clothing or in loose skirts.  They seldom wear jewelry but do wear totems.  They have hands on knowledge of traditional uses of herbs, and things of the earth, things of things of the sky, things of the spirit.  Things of fire, air, earth and water, that are medicine, are known to her.  She works with the spirit of all things she has given gifts to use.  She is serious, she is full of laughter, and she knows her place in harmony with things, people and places that she is connected to.  She is gracious and gentle and you can feel her aura at a distance.  There are many stories and legends about her.  Her life has not, typically, been an easy journey.  She knows the travails of being human and spirit.  She has her own ceremonies and ways of healing.

She has rattles, she has drums, she has containers of water, she has an altar, she has songs, she has certain movements she has had prescribed to her by dreams and teachings.  She has a medicine bundle.  She has a pipe.  She has spiritual energy.  Her focus is on spiritual healing to help with illness, trauma, and effects of toil.  She has herbs that she, herself, has gathered according to her traditional knowledge and offerings she gives for such. 

She has an old soul that connects to her spiritual energy.  She is inquisitive.  She has what some may call dreams.  She is energy sensitive.  She is an empath.  She is intuitive.  She thinks at a different level than many others. She is a peacemaker.  She is very aware of interconnectedness of all things.   She is more than a survivor;  she is an overcomer and thriver.  She is her own medicine and has moved further into healing and knows what to do to help others.  Service and compassion is her driving force.  You will notice something different about her, cannot quite put your finger on it, but you are aware there is something 'otherly' about her. She does not share it with just anyone, because it is too sacred to share.  But, I have known some and I am blessed by it.