Wooden Parts of Me

 

 

I am learning to let go, but in letting go, I have begun to numb feelings that I feel I can not cope with.  I am sure I am not the only one by all means.  I find my emotions can get too heightened and my responses are not appropriate betimes.  As I numb feelings around one situation, I realize I could be numbing joy, adventure, laughter love, as well.  I realize that I am becoming a more serious person, which, in its way, is better right now because I respond so passionately to things.  I wrote in my journal that I am dealing with feeling scattered and detached and this is not disassociation, or could be, in a mild form.  It makes me feel like I am living on the fringe of my own life.  I am having difficulty being interested in life and there are only small jolts of joy happening, which is different from who I really used to be.  I am retreating further back into the den of winter just as spring is about the spring.  I realize this is all due to me not wanting to confront anything, anyone or any place in my life and rather than peace and calm, there is numbness.

A couple of incidents happened last year that have caused this.  I have been shocked at betrayal of sorts, of unfeeling, uncaring, nastiness from those I least expected it to come from. There was a meanness come from two who I would never have expected it from and I reacted poorly.  I am ashamed of myself since I should have ended it immediately and simply closed some doors. It took some time to even begin to work on releasing, because I was shocked, numbed, and barked back.  Then I walked away, not defending myself, simply walked away and then did my releasing work. I continue to do so when it all comes up.  I get tempted to let them back in, but I have to be good to myself and not let that happen. 

Getting past the ‘numb stage’ means I have yet to let go of powerful emotions, pain, sorrow, and angst.  I cannot just simply detach.  I have to work around why I would let such people so deeply into my heart.  I have to release the wariness of others who I have let in, and that is not fair, because suddenly I do not trust as I did.  I have to let go of the anxiety that comes when I even think of letting such people in to my life again.  And, there is grief.  So many little losses add up, in the big scheme of things. 

We have to be careful with things that might cause us to be disengaged.  How much do we let go?  How much do we keep as lesson(s)?  I know that numbing and disassociation is not the answer…we have to live it throu8gh to get to the healing.  Wooden soldiers, we are not meant to be

 

©Carol Desjarlais 1.24.23