Ivory is the dominant color of today and the daffodil/narcissus, is the flower. Gather up a bouquet of daffodils and plunk them in a vase in full display. Then read this and see if you cannot get past wishes and regrets you might be carrying over mothering.
We were never born perfect to be perfect. We learn from our experiences. Once an experience is over, it is over and we tend to think we must try to make it right…or as we think right is. Nurture, protect and love is the badge mothers wear and if they feel they are nOT or have NOT lived up to what we think is the perfect mothering, then we are burying a sense of shame and guilt in our lives for forever, if we let it. Lord have Mercy, there is not a mother in the world that has not made a mistake or two or two thousand or two million. We go to sleep crying and wake up fresh and ready to do battle with mothering all over again, betimes. We simply keep them alive until they become adults and then we se them make their own choices and succeed, or not succeed, and they may do battle with us again because they will blame us.. yes, sometimes they do. So now we have two feeling like they have waged war and no one won. No one was given instructions. We bumbled through.
Every mother is different, every child is different, there could never be a guide book for such. We simply knew to nurture, protect and love. Our connotations of each are different. My nurturing is different than any other mother. My protecting had to be different than any other mother. My loving was different than any other mother. We all carry DNA of mothering. Some of those things trickle down. If we were well done in those three areas, we would have some clue as how to start, or not start… and we go from there.
Taurus can have you agonize because Taurus is such a controlling manipulator. I never let my babies out of my arms or arms reach until we got through the first three months. I was terrified each one would die a crib death or stop breathing or whatever catastrophe could happen. The kid’s dad resented that I kept them so close for so long. I would not go anywhere without that baby. I was given away early in my babyhood and perhaps that ‘hanging on’, literally, came from the Primal Wound of being cast off. Who knows for sure, but I was a mighty bear mother for my children.
I had two boys, lost several pregnancies, adopted one daughter then 6 ½ years later was gifted a baby by her grandmother and I adopted her. Then I demanded the doctor who did my tubal at the request of the kid’s dad, when under sedation… demanded the doctor, who did the surgery under the kid’s dad’s instructions, do what was right. I felt there were more. And, there were. One year after another I had the last three babies. And what absolute joy motherhood was for me. I finally had a tribe… I had blood and bone of my own since I had been given away. If you grew up with your mother, consider yourself blessed. I was blessed to be given to a mother who lost her baby and I will eternally be grateful that my birth mother gave me that opportunity to be raised by a wonderful woman/mother. Her best qualities of mothering are part of my known model.
Of course we do things differently. My first born was a test subject. LOL… I got better at mothering as I had more. By then time I got to the age gap between births, I had it down well. Could it have been done better? Of course. But there are some real positives that came out of my mother. Two taught me that nature and DNA, genetics and the full Medicine Wheel can be rooted in natal times. Two have kept me humble. Let’s just say that, for now. The rest are reflections of all I wish I could have been.
As a grandmother and great grandmother, now I wish I could mother better by living closer. There is not one of my children I have not flown quickly to their side when they needed me, without them asking. I have blogged through many of the times. I feel like I ought to be able to do more, of course. None of my children are blaming me for my failures. I have received the most beautiful notes from them saying I had done something great. Some have not. In spite of it all, I tend to focus on the “some have not” and wish I could know how to do this better when they withdraw the way they do. One has bipolar and one is a D/A addict. Both break my heart at times, but I am learning and have learned to let go of their adult choices. I will take some of the blame but not obsess over them. They take the majority. We all get over something. I do the best at trying, still. A mother heart is always vulnerable.
As I work through all this, I realize I have to do more self-care. I have to forgive that I did whatever I did, as a mother, that was the best I knew to do at the time. We cannot forget that we change every day and we cannot hang on to negatives and have to stay open, and leave the door open for stragglers. Two of seven, as I said, keep me humble.
I have to remember the sweet moment. Yes, there were millions. When I am with my grandchildren, I tell them sweet stories about their parent, my child, as they, too bumbled and stumbled and got up and had wonderful, wild, beautiful mom moments in my life and theirs. I am grateful that, in there somewhere, I must have done some things right because five had turned out to be loving, giving, service-oriented human beings making the world a better place.
I set my self-worth in front of me, and they are who spring from that. I ‘done’ good. I did as well as I could bumbling do.
And I did the majority of their childhood as a single parent at University. I made sure they loved their father. The best thing I learned, as they reach adulthood is that we were never in control and life experiences for them are not what were for me. We’re still here. We are doing good. I am not here to judge what my children do, but, boy, can I ever be proud of them. I did something right, for sure. Things are as they should be.
For those who have not been a birthing or adopting mother, you have found ways to do it. I have seen you. We are magnificent mothers no matter what our mothering has been. Bravo Us!!
©Carol Desjarlais 1.30.23
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