Loneliness

 

 

 

She made only one turn and she was home.

She turned inward.

—Jaiya John

 

There is nothing lonelier than a woman without her mother.  When our mothers go on without us, we are left to mother ourselves.  If we are the oldest child, we, then, become mother to our younger siblings, no matter how old all of us might be.  That is the way of it.  It does not make it any less lonely for mother-loss is huge.

You know, my mother never wore pants in her life until she moved into Senior’s Housing where they did senior’s yoga and she needed pants of some kind.  I remember shopping with her and it was such a traumatic experience for her.  Once she caught the joy of wearing pants, she even bought beautiful pant suits.  My mother always dressed beautifully in designer clothing as far back as I could remember.  She was not one who enjoyed going out but she taught school and wore ‘sensible’ shoes with her beautiful dresses to teach in.  She wore little make=up, but would do the ’swipe’ of a cherry red lipstick on her lips.  Nothing more.  And she was so beautiful to me and any who loved her.  She thought she wasn’t and battled with low self-image all her life.  I remember her eating salmon from cans (ewww... the kind with crunchy bones) over a lettuce salad.  She was always dieting and perhaps some of my resentment towards diabetic meals comes from that.  Ah ha!  Epiphany.  But, she was my friend, not just my mother. 

There is nothing that takes the place of a mother and sometimes the loneliness sinks in like a stone of the day or night.  It is an honor that I miss her so much so often.

©Carol Desjarlais 1.4.23