Messages Coming Through Loud and Clear

 

 

We, Canadians are known for our apologizing.  We are an “I’m sorry” people.”  It is part of our conditioning and generation after generation of us find ourselves reactively repeating this phrase.  How many times have I apologized when I did not mean it?

Rather than saying I am sorry for not understanding something new, I will be grateful for the opportunity to learn something new rather than think I am weak for not knowing.  This can be tough for me, maybe for many, to not know what others think you should.

I have stopped apologizing for doing what makes me happy, for not cleaning my house and for doing art instead of spending all my time for others.  If something gives me peace and a place to work things out, I will.  No apologies for it any more.

I will no longer apologize for not being the ‘perfect’ others expect of me.  I am who I am.  I am what life made me.  I am what sorrows and joys and angers and circumstances made me.  I am beautiful in my own imperfections. 

I will no longer be afraid to say “No” when I need to do things for myself rather than do what others demand of me.  I will not apologize for putting my own needs ahead of others, sometimes. 

I will no longer apologize for defending myself, for defending what I believe, for speaking my truths, for doing what I think is the right thing to do.  I am tired of always giving in rather than confront what, who, where I believe there is falsehoods.

I have learned to stop apologizing for my partner, a friend, a child, etc.  I allow them to work their own stuff out.  It is tough for me because I feel like their wrongdoing reflects on me and I am guilty by association.  I am done with that.

I am not going to apologize to someone who has wounded me and would like it to be my fault.  I spent too many years believing abuse was my fault.  And, yes, sometimes it was, but it did not allow for the abuse I received.  I will no longer try to surround myself with people who do not feel like I can be their whipping post.  I was done with that a long long time ago.  The residuals are there and some may think I wound be willing to take their abuse and that they could make me feel like I was the cause of their misbehaviour towards me.  I will quietly walk away and deal with the hurt rather than deal with the guilt they would choose me to feel.  I am done with that too. 

I will no longer extinguish that sacred holy place in my soul that worries about what other people think.  I am worthy of more and I have learned that some dogs bite.  When I truly need to be sorry for something, because I did, said, showed something of myself in the wrong way, then I will apologize.  I will own it.  I will show I am sorry.  Words mean nothing.  It is too easy to say we are sorry.  It is purer to show that we are when we need to be.  That takes strength of character and courage.  I will be that in all this.

©Carol Desjarlais 1.11.23