“Because you are women, people will force their thinking on you, their boundaries on you. They will tell you how to dress, how to behave, who you can meet and where you can go. Don't live in the shadows of people's judgement. Make your own choices in the light of your own wisdom.”-Amitabh Bachchan
Are you caught in an enmeshed relationship or relationships? Usually if you are enmeshed, there will be more than one relationship that you are enmeshed in. As you age, it is so easy to be enmeshed because we tend to get more needy as we age. WE can say we do not want to burden anyone, but we might be, emotionally, without us realizing it. If we have been a loose-boundaried woman, we may run into more of this as we age. Sometimes it just takes a reminder for us to refresh and become less burdening on others. What it takes is good boundaries. With good boundaries, our lives can be more pleasant and more enjoyable if we figure this boundary thing out.
It is scary to find ourselves, in many ways, reverting into childhood where we try to please everyone because later in age can be difficult and there is fear involved as physical problems come up. We start to wonder how long we will live, what will break down first, and who we can depend on. I am safe in this regard, so I do not have to worry about who to depend on but I do worry about losing my partner before me and all that entails. I have a plan and things are set up with plan a,b,c… All my kids know I would stand up for myself and know they won’t have to fight any of my battles.
I know what is important to me. I have given clear instructions and told my truths to my kids so they know and I know that, even though we are not guaranteed anything, I have made clear what I wish to happen. Even if we have good boundaries, we have to stay open-minded and willing to ask when we truly need and when we can say no without prejudice or having to put ourselves into more vulnerable situations than we need to be in.
We can worry about letting others down when we state our needs and what we, intuitively, know is what we wish. There can be times when what we want might be different than what our significant others want. When you know yourself well enough to say no to the right things, for us, we are not in any danger of becoming enmeshed to the point where we abdicate the dreams and hopes we have to make peace and then have no inner peace ourselves.
My mother made all her own decisions; when to move into senior apartments, when to move into senior care housing, when to move to full-care before she could not make those decisions. She was a blessing to us. We had no guilt final year with mother. We had no regrets at having to make decisions that might haunt us. She was clear about what she wanted and never was a burden to us. She modeled the way for me.
If, by chance, you are enmeshed, and do not say NO or YES right from your soul, with no agenda or guilt…or regret... then you need to figure out why you are abdicating your authority as an adult senior woman. There are two people, at least, in any enmeshment. We have to realize we are one of the components and figure out the why of it all that is allowing us to not have good boundaries. We are not rejecting any one else’s beings…we are simply staying true to our own truths.
Boundaries are difficult for many women. Sometimes we have to practice until we perfect. Stop ever saying YES when, in reality, we wish NO. And don’t say NO just to say NO. Sometimes a YES means something seriou8sly important. Those of us who have a hard time receiving may have a hard time saying YES. It is time to work on these things now, rather than later.
Do some research on boundary-setting. Realize that there will be a time when you need to receive, to say YES and to say NO. Make sure your boundaries are clear to those you rely on to make the best choices according to the dictates of your own heart. There may come a time when we can not make decisions for ourselves. Only then will you be truly grateful for having verbalized your boundaries.
Think you are too young to have good verbalized boundaries? No…we are not, any of us, promised a tomorrow.
Bless our boundary-settings.
“i am withered in some places.
what was, no longer is.
i am a little bent.
i am a little broken.
a little brittle.
and unsteady.
but when the rains come.
when they fall upon my face.
when the storm arrives and
calls my name, i will be okay.
you see, i am already seasoned.
for the battle, because i’ve been there
once before.”
-ullie-kaye
©Carol Desjarlais 1.14.23
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