Who Are We Now?

 

 

 

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

Who are we now, after having our lives and routines disrupted so?  Who are we now we have lost many of our comfort zones?  Who are we now that we have endured so much stress and fear and isolation and a sense of vulnerability?  Who are we now, dragging ourselves on through our “put one foot in front of the other” and get through this?  Have we used this time for introspection and come to epiphanies and more clarity to purpose and ways of being?  Two things kept me going.

The thing that kept me going was my connections to family and close friends.  We had two friends that we kept in our bubble from the beginning.  We have had nights of cards and often so that we could keep from being lonely restless and bored.  The other thing is my art and tons of supplies so that I could lose myself in hours of creation.  As well, taking classes online and attending online gatherings helped inspire me.

WE had losses in our families.  We have losses of friends and acquaintances.  We were not able to finalize their going and lost that time of honor of funerals and wakes.  I missed our weekly girlfriend gatherings and other circle gatherings.  Our sleep has been disrupted since we are not as active as we usually are.  I tend to have not put on make up and dress up… why should I?  I did not have the energy.  And, I have missed laughter.  I grew quiet.

I am sure I am not the only one who attempted to control what I could, with the unpredictability of the pandemic.  I tried to finish projects that I had set aside.  I looked forward to a time when something resembling ‘normal’ could return and, as with all second comings, I tired of that, too.  I stopped listening to the news and selected my ‘experts’ while trying to stay away from ‘armchair experts’.  I stayed away from conspiracy theories that eroded hope.   I became more entrenched in my ideologies that set boundaries for myself in many areas.  I structured my days in set times for set things.  I know I would wake up some mornings and long for nighttime to hurry up and come.  In the quiet of the world, I cocooned myself and got up when the Dawn syndrome hit an did not fuss about not getting enough sleep because I could rest whenever I wanted, without ‘naptime guilt’.  I, eventually, quit overworking myself and began to let things slide.  Some days, I did not even remember if I brushed my hair.  I continue to have a low-level mistrust of people and places and activities, and those with what feels like negative outlook or paranoid outlooks for our new tomorrows. 

We are not through this yet.  There is so much, other than self, that has not found a ‘new normal’.  Are we going to be able to find a balance ourselves?  I have learned to love my ‘quiet self’.  I know I have changed.  Much like the leftovers of extreme grief leaves gaps in ones personality, I am aware that there have been subtle changes in me.  I am not as gregarious.  I am more content to simply let be what is.  I am grateful that my lifelong learning has led me to new ways to express myself and new ways to feel fulfillment.  I am more focused.  Perhaps some of the joy of life has gone.  Will it come back, do you think?  How do you sense you have changed?

©Carol Desjarlais 3.28.22