In our relationships, there is always give and take and good relationships know the balance might be a whole lot of take before the give happens, and visa versa. If we are the type to keep track, we are in trouble. We set ourselves up to feel like victims instead of good friends or lovers. Put emotional trauma into the picture and it is more about boundaries within that give and take. No one can tell us when enough is enough. We have our own line drawn in the sand. What might look crazy to the outside people, is part of the relationship and they do not see the give that comes, they only see and judge the take.
If, in a relationship, there is imbalance of sensitivity, of vulnerability, we may need more tenderness for our rawness and only certain people are made with the kind of compassion it takes to sustain another for long periods of time. This is when to seek outside help in the relationship(s) because, for instance, I, would never want to be a burden on anyone. I am very conscious of that and , in part, why I deal alone with my ‘stuff’, so that I am not a constant drain on others.
We have to devlop our ability to self-soothe, to self-validate, and to be self-constrained while we work on our deeper ‘stuff’. We have to learn to hold our emotional ground but not move into denial or stuffing. It is finite work. We need to understand our emotional responses to life independent of anyone else’s reaction or responee, or ideas about how we should, could, would, handle thingsd. They are not us. We are unqiue in all our feelings as well. We learn when to lean and when to move off and get through the highly charged ‘stuff’ before it leaks out. Everyone is dealing with something and we have no idea what level of distress is happening within. They may project something totally opposite to the way they feel inside. Just like us. To maintain good relationshps, we have to remember there is give and take but neither is stuck on forever. We have to be authentic but we do need to rein it all in betimes.
This is what I have learned and , as I age, I realize I could be whining about all sorts of things every moment of the day, but I refuse to be so defeated. It is a whole different scenario as a partner ages. Be it a friend or a parenter. I am much younger. He is less and less able to do things for himself, nevermind me. We are a good team because I am too independent for my own good, anyways. But, now I, sometimes, feel the weight of it. When this happens, I take a break.. a mental health break, of sorts… and will go over to my daughters and do business over there and that tends to reeneergize me so I do not feel too leaned on. It would be easy to feel that way, but it is life and life gets this way, if we manage to outlive our partners. It is best for me to manage my own emotional affairs, with the help of some really close, dear friends, where we truly have give and take ablities that really match. We undertand each other, without words, because we are all in the same relationship situations as per our partners being less physically able. Overwrought emotions just cannot be a part of that. We move into finding the best way not to hurt in every other way.
Keep remembering, it is what it is!
©Carol Desjarlais 3.21.22
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