“What does it mean to hold space for someone else? It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.” ― The Art of Holding Space)
I have stopped saying the “shoulda,woulda,coulda” things to myself. I am trying to live as Present as I can. Without “prejudice”, I am trying to allow tomorrow and more tomorrows to have some space rather than try to control everything, to fuss and fume over “what nexts”. I am holding space for Self. Now, to learn to hold space for others.
I have been wondering about “Control Issues” and whether it is nature or nurture. In other words, does being female have, as an natal issue, to control what can be controlled? Is it just part of the feminine role, of keeping things in order, etc., and nurturing that has us attempt to control? Is that where the “critical” I comes from? Is judging part of feminine control issues? What makes us want to control everything and everyone around us?
The only true control is of Self but it seems like we want to “change” others to suit our ideology…our comfort zone. We make decisions with every thought. I know that I have a lot of “woulda, coulda, shouldas” and I am working hard to eradicate that from my view of self. But, it needs to go further. I have to stop wanting my middle child to stop doing drugs and drinking, for example. I would like to bring my 45 year old daughter home and send her to her room until she smartens up. I am pretty sure I would berate, cajole, manipulate her, thinking I could be her master rather than the drugs and alcohol. But I learned a long time ago, that she was headstrong and stubborn, and now, really messed up. I have had to let go and let God, so to speak. I can do nothing because her master is her addictions. And I have to get out of the way and let her live the way she choses. It is tough love sometimes. It seems to go against the “mothering” characteristics. I miss my beautiful sweet smart kind and courageous girl. I have to allow her to be who she choses. I give her that space. While I allow her her space, I am gifting myself with space that does not include her alcoholic, drug-induced, anger and sorrow. I deal with that empty space I hold for her when she needs me.
When we hold space, we are spending time dealing with that void, or some void of some kind. I am keeping the emotions out of it. I have to. I would be careening from anger to sorrow, from love to rejection of her. I learn to deal with my own space and that of hers next to me. I have had to release any outcomes that comes of it with some dignity and grace. Of course, that space I hold is there for her, always.
I have found that, in some ways, I substitute others into her space. I give another what she could be getting. It is still her space, but I lease it out betimes. I hold up those who are trying. I dream of a time of change and how I would deal with that change, now, after all these years of letting her go her own way.
When someone changes, in that space you have held for them, there are repercussions. Their change means you must change to meet their change. And, that is a tough one. A couple I have known all my life were married and he worked away at camps. He became a serious alcoholic. It meant that she had to raise her two kids on her own, and she took the reins of the family, in every way. Then, suddenly, when she was going to leave him after two decades of his alcoholism, she had to learn to let go of the reins. Now he wanted to take charge of the “man’ stuff in the family. She struggled bigtime. She had to change and that change was fraught with many emotions. They made it, though.
What does elephant in the room mean? If there is an elephant in the room, it means that an obvious problem is being ignored - urban dictionary
While you are holding space, for others, you cannot define it nor set the boundaries for them. Only for you. It means that you will have to let go of many feelings that was/is embedded in the relationship. Some of us may have negative behaviors, ourself, around them changing or not, within that space you hold for them. Attitudes, comfort zone around what you believed of that person, trust issues, vulnerability. right smack dab in the middle of that held space for her is an elephant in the room. It is all there within that space you hold and your own space. Letting go of all the ’pat’ phrases, wishes, dreams, demands, perhaps, will change and you will have to make that change on your own, towards them.
See, I know that the space I hold for my daughter is one where she is not drinking or using. Years ago I told her not to call me when she was drunk or high. She listened. I never heard from her for years at a time. But, when she was trying, she would contact me. Last summer we had one of my best birthdays ever. We took the motorhome up through B.C., over to Edmonton to visit my youngest son, then down to my youngest daughters. We had heard from my idle daughter and we invited her to come down and stay in the motorhome with us. We picked up her two young daughters and we were determined to make a go of it no matter what ‘condition’ she was in. It was THE BEST in decades. We had such a wonderful time. The space I held, held her lovingly and she felt it. We knew she had alcohol and pills and was using them, but we had to just let that happen. It was that or no relationship building. It was beautiful to have that space filled with her again. And lots of promises were made by her which she could not keep/. Again, I have not heard from her in months. Her space is still here.
Everyone has their own path they have chosen. My path is not another’s path. Another’s path is not mine. It is okay. We simply hold space.
Are you holding your own space? Are you holding space for someone else?
© Carol Desjarlais 6.23.21
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