Everyday Courage

 

 

 

Something is happening to me.  I am not sure if it is Covid Weariness, aging, but there is a restless unease about me.  I am dropping things, have a continual feeling of having something that absolutely has to be done but I do not know what it is, and, I have been staring fear in the face since I acknowledged that I have been fear-driven most of my life. Perhaps fear has driven my courage.  Is it how I developed courage and determination?  I think so. 

Fear is part of being human, actually.  It is what prevents us from doing things that would end us.  It is part of our nervous system that is there to protect not to stop us from attempting everything, going everywhere, experiencing life.  I think fear feeds on itself.  Perhaps it is in my life because I always felt on my own and the ‘do it myself’ mentality that I developed early.  In fact, from my earliest memory, I always knew it was “me against the world” that was perhaps formed in the first few abandoned months of my life.  What most see as my courage and determination is really fear.

I have always been afraid of abandonment.  How could I have felt otherwise?  I carry the Primal Wound very deeply. 

“…perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, "The Primal Wound" clarifies the effects of separation from the birthmother on adopted children…” - https://www.amazon.ca/Primal-Wound-Understanding-Adopted-Child/dp/0963648004

I care too much and I have always been afraid of what people think.  That does not mean that I did not throw caution to the wind and impulsively do the exact opposite.  Of course, I gave up the futility of it all.  Approval, acceptance, the fear of abandonment is huge.  Anyone who truly knows me know this is true and a huge part of my personality.  It cannot be understood by anyone who has not experienced the Primal Wound. 

I learned, early, to repress my authentic feelings and wore the damned  smile.  I never lived my authentic life until I gave up trying to please and struck out on my own until after I had seven children and my baby was a year and a half, a brain bleed and a life of misery and chaos because no one could fill that ‘mawing’ need of love and acknowledgement and acceptance.    Anyone who thought they knew me, did not.  I was far from the smiling baby brought down on a train from a abandoned children’s home.  It was that smile that had my adoptive mother choose me.  At seven months, I was, as all babies are, a master manipulator to get fed and nurtured and cared for. 

Although I have fear, I dop not let it completely stump or stall me.  I seek out the trigger, of course I know what that is, and try to pacify the inner frightened babe, and get on with getting on.  It is all about WHY.  And, of course, I have reasons, of course.  I worry about what is next.  I worry about consequences.  I worry about it and then let it go because there is not much that can be done about fear.  But how I react to it is all about what I CAN control.  I, also, weigh reality versus inner senses.  I am not afraid of snakes or mice or moths or clowns or spiders because I have known monsters in this life time of mine.  I refuse to continue to let conditioned fear rule me, although, it tries and really does try to interfere.  Again, I go back to that moment when I am aware fear arises and I talk myself out of it. 

I am wont to try to worry about worse-case-scenarios, but, again, my self-control is all I have so I always have a plan a,b,c,d,e, for when that arises.  I managed to make it through the year my youngest son was in Afghanistan.  It was Herculean courage that took, indeed. 

It is not possible to ignore fear as it is a deep inner reflex.  I can ignore my reaction to such, though.  Otherwise, imagine the unlived life I would have lived.  When your reactive fear begins to extinguish, it learns better what to fear... what is actually life-threatening and what is not. 

As women, we are so wanting of so much and yet, still, in this age, there are things we cannot have., are not meant to have.  We are afraid to upset any ‘apple carts’ because we know what we could pay to do so.  (Think ME TOO and repercussions of those who chose to tell.) Every woman on this planet is afraid of rejection and abandonment no matter the bravado or cover we might project.    We walk around in a cloud of shame... Most of us:  Shame for everything from bleeding to breathing.  We desire.  We dream.  We gather up our courage and we do.  We are afraid to ask.  We are super heroes but we are so at risk.  We can be labeled, too aggressive, too blunt, to demanding, to needy…and all the negative connotative words and labels that go with it all.  Many of us do so and do take the risk because of the fear and how we have learned to let it drive us on to the courage that is needed.  We refuse to stay in our comfort zones.  We learn to embrace the far and discomfort and learn to stride out in spite of it.  Perhaps fear is our friend after all.  It is what defines our personal courage.   We are our own Medicine Women to ourselves.  We can conquer these everyday fears.  I can.  You can.  We can...every danged day.

©Carol Desjarlais 6.20.21