As difficult living goes on and on, it feels like this pandemic ‘thang’ has been here forever. We have changed, and, in ways we may not have even noticed. It is easy to notice the physical, the intellectual, and the emotional weariness is impacted most. I consider how much (however much one can) how our language has changed, how our hope/faith is changing, how much our choices have changed. So much is simply not relevant any more.
Think about all the things you like about yourself. Put the list away and in a few days, write some more. Do not write down things other people have said is positive about you. You know yourself best and truly, and this list is authentically you. That is who you are no matter what else people may have said is your story.
Note that, a moment ago, you are not that person any more. Yes, we have flaws. God is not finished with you yet. We continue to change with every thought. If, like me, your thoughts can run on a rampage, you change with each one of them at break-neck speed.
If we got attention by rebelling, we may still rebel. If we were taught to smile through everything, we may still have that habit and have not learned to authenticate our feelings. No, I am not talking about ‘stuffing/dissociation”. I am saying, be your true self. No, do not be a ‘sad sack’ nor ‘syrup’. We are ebb and flow of feelings. We are not one thing every moment of every day.
I acknowledge that this pandemic thing is grinding me down in many ways, but I work hard to change what I am feeling, when I feel victimized. If I am feeling grouchy, I find why and do something about it. No one can make me feel anything I do not want to feel. That is key. Say that to yourself when you sense your feelings settling into negativity you think others are trying to ‘make’ you feel. You choose and you can acknowledge it is your choice to feel what you do. I can blame the pandemic all I want, and some may be true, but I do not have to walk around with a dark cloud over my head. There are many others around us feeling the same. Two negative people are a cloud. One needs to be different. I choose to be that difference. I let my own go, if I sense someone else is feeling what I feel (negative) so I do not add to their discontent. I choose that. I can say I understand, but I cannot start adding my own list of negativities to theirs. It does not help either of us. Sometimes that takes courage.
Just be you. Be the you who knows their own story and is authentic about their feelings (not overly dramatic). There is enough drama in the world. Keep your list of good traits you made and work on them, work on emitting those kinds of thoughts and feelings out into the ether.
Bless the ether and us.
As I did this whimsical portrait, I ended up not liking it at all. I had a page that I had done some splotching of paint on, earlier.
In the end, I called her good and let her be. Just like when I work on myself, I might add.
©Carol Desjarlais 2.14.22
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