None of us survive our childhood without at least one or two masks. We knew defensive mechanisms when we drew our first breath. No wonder we gasp. We knew we had to get right at manipulation or we would not be fed, changed, our every need cared for, loved, unless we demanded it. We got a fuzzy look at the world, sought the faces of The Others around us, and let out an angry danged cry and sought the face of the easiest one to manipulate; and, there it was, the face of The Mother, weakened by birth, easily manipulated. We could smell her, taste her, yes, it was her, first to manipulate and we put on our first mask and set to work to consciously and unconsciously demon security and safety. Some never grow up from demanding these original needs by wearing many masks that get us what we need, what we think we need, and what we simply demand. We might have been wounded, by not having great needs filled, and we got hurt in spite of our demands. We learned to put on masks and that became our coping mechanism for everything; some things very emergent, and some simply demands, and sometimes simply our ‘throwing a fit in the corner store because we want everything” mask. The more masks we accumulated, the more inauthentic our relationships will be. We are all mask wearers.
We continue wearing masks until the day we die: We use them to get through uncomfortable situations. We wear them for positive and negative reasons. We hide behind them. We gain from them. We manipulate and deceive others through wearing them. It is a part of human nature. Managing the masks is where maturation and coping skills comes in. We all want to be liked. We all want to hide pain. We all want to pretend we might be otherwise. We may want to hide our happiness or our sadness. We might want to hide one of our many many fears and all the branches that lead to that naming. We wear masks to hide truths and deceptions. We wear masks to hide strengths or weaknesses; excitement or vulnerability. We wear mask to hide all sorts of emotions. We wear masks to get what we want, using the birthright skill of manipulation.
When I think about my many masks, and going bare-faced into life, I recognize my many universal masks and what one I am not conscious of, or do not ever wear.
First of all: I plop on my over-achiever, perfectionist mask, thinking that, if I did things perfectly, my world would not fall apart. I did it to the best of my ability by slapping on an early childhood smiling mask and it stuck there through thick and thin. I do not know why I did not give it up when I got so little rewards from it, in fact, it often became my nemesis – “Oh, but you looked so happy all the time! You were always smiling!” The constant anxiety, stubbornness and obsessiveness of wearing a mask that said all was well, nearly peeled my whole identity when I took off that mask. I never gained a sense of being able to trust others.
Because of this mask, I never felt enough, I never showed that I felt unworthy, openly. Sometimes, of course, the mask slipped and people got a glimpse of the woman behind the mask. I work hard not to portray a negative, sad, ungrateful person. There were times that I bashed myself in order to feel the pain I thought I deserved. No more. I removed that mask. I word I am working on, this year, on “Soulnections” – building and risking intimacy at soul level with others.
Last year’s work on FEAR and all its implications and connotations (and wasn’t THAT a revelation!), I have become less of a people pleaser. I do not need any one else’s approval. I approve of myself. I need no one to validate. I am a survivor, an overcomer, and a thriver.
Many think I have it ‘all together”, I have been far from it, as is een when I drop a mask or two. I have begun to gain more composure as I age. I steer clear of drama and chaos and know more peace than I ever have. I have become more of an introvert, rather than the extrovert, I had been most of my life. I am less lonely because I have learned to love being by myself with the occasional foray out into social events. My life has more meaning and I love looking back at what I thought were weaknesses, that I realize, now, were my strengths. I have been a brave, courageous, compassionate human being and I am building on those attributes.
You have heard often that comediennes often are covering their sadness, grief and wounds, through humor. We do that too. I have done that too, until 2005 when my life ended as it was and there was no sense of humor that could combat that. I am working hard at recovering my sense of humor. My discomfort with confrontation has often had me turn to humor and wit to get through it. It, too, was a mask I chose to help myself get past difficult things.
And, yes, I have worn the martyr’s mask as well. I was a victim. I, eventually, was able to take that mask off and acknowledge that I had been victimized. I, also, through the years, learned that my wounds were a gift in working in the career I worked in. You know: that nurse that has never had a childbirth trying to tell a woman in hard labor that the pain is not that bad… it was that bad and there were things in my past the had Christ weep. But that was yesterday and I am not still being victimized. I have to remember, often, tat I am a survivor, an overcomer and a thriver.
I remember someone once telling me that he was afraid to take of the masks because he did not know what the real one was. Yes, that can happen. Yes, we might have a lot of work towards digging up our authenticity. But, believe me, when I say, bit by bit, as we discover our masks, we can learn how to discard the negatives of such. We can be maskless human beings that know the time to be purely authentic, and when not to give away too much.
I wish you the bald face going out into the world,
©Carol Desjarlais 1.29.22
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