“Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.”
Anger is the easiest emotion to show. We project anger when there are many reasons for the WHY of the anger we feel and show.
Sometimes we feel angry and we express and project anger when the real reason is something beneath all that that we are hesitant to reveal for some reason. Beneath anger are the authentic reason/reasons. Beneath anger is fear, guilt/shame, sadness, insecurity/hopelessness, loneliness, frustration, inadequacy, helplessness, emptiness, or a combination of these base emotions.
Angrophobia is the fear of becoming angry because we fear others being angry at us. It is a base emotion that can be covered by anger. Of course, it is unique to each of us and each of us might react with anger in our own way because every emotion is loaded with experiences and, perhaps, traumas, of having others anger at you. I would suggest that one’s anger holds a history of its own in each of our lives.
If something makes you feel guilt/shame, it is because WE feel it for something we feel like we regret. Inner shame can be a hotbed of mixed emotions, betimes. Shame can lead us to feel embarrassment, which leads to anxiety and a reaction to shame can lead us to anger. Easily.
Sadness can arise from being disappointed in ourselves for something we did not accomplish and something might trigger that emotion but anger, again, is the easiest to show. Our anger is not authentic and it can rise with a flick of the switch.
Insecurities/hopelessness come from be battered down by ‘one damned thing after another’ that piles up. We begin to see the negatives instead of the positives. We focus on being disappointed by even life, itself, betimes. Suffering begets hopelessness, bit by bit, and one can feel ’piled on’. It becomes difficult to even feel positives as our heart closes a little more and a little more through unique trauma that is ours. We can even begin to fear good things because what we feel as NOT good things seem to follow. We begin to feel victimized and ‘one more thing’ can give rise to anger rather than express the authentic feeling(s).
When we feel disconnected from others, we can express that as feeling lonely. The isolation restrictions of Covid has a direct relationship to our feeling lonely. Some of us have not realized that being our own company can be empowering. It causes distress when someone/something makes us feel abandoned or in imminent danger of being abandoned. This emotion, too, holds myriads of parts of our story, especially if you have the primal wound. When you feel about to be abandoned, there is immediate frustration and anger growls out so that you can think you abandon before someone abandons you.
Frustration happens when you have no coping skills left to use. It leads to an underlying anxiety. When we are frustrated, we can begin to ‘talk back’, blame the other, fall into a deep sense of resentment and anger pushes people away so you think you can not be hurt. You can feel attacked, right to your very bones, no matter intentions of others, and your reaction will shock them because it does not fit the present situation.
Feelings of inadequacy can cause a spike in reactive/projected anger. We compare ourselves with others which is a deadly thing to do for one’s sense of authentic self. Something can trigger the sense of inadequacy. Comparing yourself with anyone else is simply not reality. You are you and no one can be you, can think like you, can feel like you, nor believe like you do. Again, you have a personal life history/story according to how expectations were put on you or how you put your own expectations on self. Our own Evil Inner witch/Ego/lizard brain is a critical voice from within and allowing it to criticize you is never a good thing. If you have unrealistic expectations of Self, in comparison to others, is not real. Do not do it. Do not allow it. Also, if we have unrealistic expectations for self, you have those unrealistic expectations of others. Not good, at all.
Helplessness is another trigger that anger can use to be projected. Sometimes, helplessness can become a habit. Sometimes, we need reassurance from others rather than delve into our natural strengths and bravery. We place others above ourself and always seek other people that can make us feel good about ourselves, about our choices, and never take ownership of our own sense of how empowered we rally are on our own. We manipulate others to alleviate our worry, our fear, to make our choices, and/or to make us feel worthy, enough, happy, etc. Of course, it never sticks. We are reassurance-seekers and can be a burden on those near and dear to us because we are a person who leans too heavily on others who may have their own problems, or add our burdens and decision-making on others who are givers. We become takers, and, sometimes ‘sap-suckers’. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I finally set up boundaries for someone who I allowed to nearly suck the life out of me. Not only did I have my worries, fears and indecisions, but I allowed myself to feel responsible for hers. I was the ‘ever-giver’ with no boundaries, yes, I allowed it until I did not. Then there was some drama, believe me, as I tried to wean her of my total emotional support. Others cannot carry all your burdens all the time.
When we lose our self-confidence, we can feel empty. Remember, it is only that you laid it down somewhere and you can pick it back up. At some point, we need emotional maturity. At some point, we need to deal with our emotions and stop avoiding making decisions someone else’s responsibility. You can teach your emotions that you are in charge. See, when emptiness/numbness happens, we have abdicated our own feelings. We can take control and build emotional self-confidence by simply stopping and, rather than turn to others, turn to ourselves, our own integrity, our own hope, our own comfort. Make decisions on our own and then, we can reap the rewards of each one, little by little. To fill a void, you simply need to take responsibility for ourselves. To fill emptiness, we simply need to add a little light until we feel a sense of accomplishment for owning our own feelings, not someone else’s feelings.
When we learn to sit with our feelings of anger and all the other residual feelings we have been denying and own the courage it takes to feel them, the sooner your anger will not be what energy you put out into the ether. When you feel anger, know it for what it is. When you do not feel happy, know that you are not allowing yourself to feel happy and this can lead to anger that is projected in some form rather than the authentic feelings. In fact, you can feel badly for feelings badly. Once you drop your sense of allowing others to rule your life, ram that crown of self-responsibility on your head and plod through the muck until you get to some sort of place where your anger is not your ‘go to’ emotion. You can be okay with yourself. You can put out the energy into the ether that says “I matter. I am enough, this is where I am at this moment, and this is how I deal with life. Life can be a beggar. Do not let it or anyone else control how you feel. You get to control how you feel and why. This is your story you are living; let it not be anger-based. Be real. I am working hard to ‘be real’. Be Real with me!
©Carol Desjarlais 11.27.21
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