Without an open heart, we cannot feel/experience Joy. Do you find, with all the stresses of the pandemic, that you might not feel as compassionate as you usually were? Have you sat watching women, or others, and felt a bitterness within? All of us have been wounded in our lives, to some degree. What might drop me to my knees might not even phase another. Somehow, in protecting myself from others, has made me not care as much about others I have in the past. Of all the things I never thought of myself, I had not ever thought of myself as bitter or hard-hearted. I have need to pull back and know who I am and re-open my heart.
When I pull at one wound from my past, others line up. And then the “you are not enough…you are not of value…you are not loved…you are not worthy…” starts a chorus in the background. That Evil Inner Witch/Ego is the band leader of it. It prefers my story of my life be all about struggle instead of the miracles and gifts that my life has been to me. I have to guard myself well from my own Ego.
Here we are, still wearing asks, still standing a good 6 feet away from others, as if others might be part of some kind of leper colony. We listen for signs that they are anti-maskers or anti-vacers, and if we hear a whisper, we immediately step away or feel our heart harden just a little more. It is, sometimes, like we think, somewhere deep inside us that “there is something deeply wrong with them” override the EIW’s chorus of “there is something deeply wrong with me. It offers no panacea.
It seems our Ego/EIW is constantly looking for ways to make my story everyone else’s story.
Somehow, we need to tell/live our story… OUR OWN STORY… not anything to do with anyone else. No one lived your story. No one else knows the whys, the wheres, the whens, of your story. It is your authentic story that sets you free, you see. Start thinking oif your life story from earliest memories. Notice how many times you insert some person, place, thing. Isn’t it something that we have a ahrd time with our authentic story without anyone else being in it? Is there a way to take those out.
A great exercise is to write your story without anyone else in it. It is soooo freeing. After you do it, and do not try to sit down and get it written in a few minutes... just start and stop when you have written all your soul can take. You can take it even further and tell it in third person without others in it. Etc. The moment you strt it in any way, you will realize how much other people you have inserted into your sense of self and matters of the heart.
“I am Carol/Linda Mae too. I do not know anything about my birth. I only know that I remember such love felt prior to active memory. I have often wondered what those six months did to my psyche……..”
Or third person:
“There was a baby that was born and sent out into the world alone. She was kept in a foundling home for long enough for her head to be flat and she had sucked a welt in her wrist. How many hands passed her from one to another so she was unable to bond, she wondered……”.
Free your heart. Stop having your story belong to others, as much as you possibly can. The only thing we take with us is the heart of who we have made of ourselves. Even transforming the perspective, of one early bit of our life, can cause us to begin to transform. Try it, it is soooo a wonder. We are wonders. We do not need to have bitter feelings about anyone, anything thing, any place, any person. Never mind all that. Free your heart of those things and tell the story of your heart on your own.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.6.21
**Transforming an earlier art journal page that I did not like. I used Annie’s first post to have this page transform.
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