The List In My Head.

 

 

 

When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.

I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.

“What are you struggling with?” he asked.

I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”

Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”

I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.

I wanted to have something more substantial.

Something more profound.

But I didn’t.

So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”

I felt like an idiot even saying it.

What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?

But my therapist nodded in understanding and then said:

“RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.”

I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.

“Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop giving yourself rules.”

It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.

That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.

I felt like I had conquered a dragon.

The next day, I took a shower lying down.

A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit.

There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.

Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.

But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:

THERE ARE NO RULES.

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!

*original poster (Kate Scott 2020)*:

I think I was born with a list in my head.  I made up my own rules for myself.  About a year ago, I was having some problems with upping a medication, and I told the doctor that it was playing with my list in my head.  He jumped on that quickly.  He turned to his computer in front of him and said, “Oh, yes, I see you have been ‘labeled’ PTSD and ADHD.  I was about to get insulted and defensive but then truth shone its light down on me.  Of course, I have always been, and I am.  I guess it is not common for women to wake up with a checklist in their head of things they want to get done that day.  I have a hard time deviating from my list.  I feel annoyed when someone gets in the way of me completing my list.  I am driven to get that danged list done.  Since then, I am working NOT being list-driven.  My danged Evil Inner Witch/Ego/critical inner voice still barks at me if I do not have a long enough list, or do not follow that inner list to completion as quickly as possible.  I succeed most days, but if I get the least bit stressed, out it come and it is twice as long as usual.  Yes, of course, the title of it is “The List In My Head”. 

©Carol Desjarlais 5.12.20

***Thank you, Edie Cournoyer, for sharing this with me and allowing me to repost.