It is so easy to hit a stressful part of your life and immediately think the worst. I think mothers have this as a basic instinct. It is easy to let emotions rule us, betimes. I have always had a tendency to think the worst if I give my emotions reign. When I truly learned to control this is when my youngest son was in Afghanistan. I, never mind him, would not have survived every moment of every day while he was there if I had let things get out of control. Those of us who are anxious, to begin with, will find that we can ‘lose it’ easily. I found it interesting that this might be a genetic thing and I am pretty sure that we can be conditioned to being anxious and to catastrophize. For some of us, apparently, it is easier for us to fall into the worst possible scenario because we have known some worst possible outcomes. Anything that is unknown is a place for our emotions to take over.
Those who have this happens when things get anxious, will do anything to be reassured. See, if we have had nasty things happen to us, we KNOW nasty things and how we got through them, so, for some reason, our Ego tends to pick the worst outcome so that we can find a ‘known’ in it all. Never mind that it is the hardest on us rather than seek skills to change how we react. Many of those who suffer from this control issue, will always look outside themselves to get a sense of having someone else being in control. You see, catastrophizing is not all done alone. We have to share it, for some reason, and we seek someone we can tell our thoughts to so they might comfort us. Man, what a weird thing, and, yes, I recognize that I have had this in the past. Somehow we need to find a way to control it, to rein our emotional response, in.
Here are some ways to help you build a anxiety toolkit for such occasions as you realise you do catastrophize:
We are human. We need to have solutions to trauma/to unknown outcomes (which can be uniquely personal). When such arrives, shut down, take some deep breaths, and exert control over your thoughts that truly want to be a runaway. When you have a sense of having taken control and are losing it again, take another pause, repeat until you can sustain control longer and longer. I remember seeing some posts many years ago abut K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid). While this might not be appropriate now, it is still emblazoned in my mind and I try to adopt it when something happens in my life that could have me think the worst. It is now my first reaction. Learning to depend on yourself to solve your problem is a huge step in every area of our lives. Some things you just need to take care of yourself. I had a friend that wanted everyone to give her advice, and she did it over and over and over and never once found her own solutions. Most often she chose her own solution anyways so it was a burden to even fall in to being manipulated by her. It was as if she had others who were hr Plan A, B, C, D…. and never once did she solve it and then share how she solved it, or solve it and quietly let it be solved. Somehow, we have to learn that others do not have a clue about how to solve our problems. The solutions always lie within.
We need to recognize that we have surges of energy/anxiety when something unknown, or with unknown outcomes, come to visit, that we need to do something about that surge. How many times did I think the worst and the worst never happened? I wasted a great deal of energy and let that wasted energy do harm to other parts of my being by not building up an emotional toolbox for handling what comes to all of us and to some of us a great deal. I have found the greatest thing I can do ( I would once start cleaning and everyone in my family knew when I was doing frantic cleaning, that I was under stress. In fact, I had an ‘event’ when my daughter and granddaughter were here and I did not react to the stressful event other than quietly grabbing cleaning products and started quietly/frantically cleaning. My granddaughter said to her mother, “Look, Mom, grandma is mad cleaning!”. Dang, even she has me figured out. As soon as she said that. Click! And, the control was back without exerting extra energy and not looking like a whirling dervish. We should not add such electric negative energy to everything around us, should we. Sometimes we need to stop and ask ourselves what we would tell someone else to do about the ‘emerging inner chaotic event’. I have to stop and ask myself something I used to ask my little kids who lost their proverbial chite over something not worth losing it at that scale: “Is it broken? Are you bleeding to death? No? Ok, I think you are going to live!” (now, I add, to myself: “Are your guts hanging out?”) If not any of those things, then I certainly can deal with whatever it is in a calm, rational way. I think I was a born worrier. If you knew my story, you would understand the Primal wound worry that started this all, perhaps, in the first place.
Dealing with things in what may feel like an illogical way, to those of us who are extra worriers, but logically, there are ways to deal with anything. Watching how we are responding to everyday things in life will help us become more aware of when fear, worry is starting to try to take over. If we practice this, then, when something big comes, we will be able to learn to wait through the discomfort until logic does take over.
Life is uncertain at best. These times are more uncertain. There is much to ear and a fear-based person is much easier for others to manipulate. I do not want to give up my personal power... or energy. I am nearing the end of my life. I do not have an exact expiry date, but I know, based on genetics, that I am apt to maybe live another ten years. I am not wiling to give up any energy I might need for any later battle I might have to wage.
Are you an anxious person? Do you tend to catastrophize? How do you get past the catastrophizing?
©Carol Desjarlais 10.12.20
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