Fox: The False Self: The Primal Wound – Part 2

 

 

 

"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise."~ Alice Walker

When we seek healing, we often need to call on the Fox for his wisdom.  Fox is known, amongst many tribes, as one who scrutinizes, who is sly, who is benevolent and keen.  Fox also represents creator’s helper, at times, in creating new things, for instance, one’s true self when one has been wearing masks for a long long time, as is often with those with the Primal Wound.  To heal, we need the Fox’s motivation, and sometimes, to become aware that we are tricksters, in many ways.  The Fox is another messenger and it shows us that we can create a false world for ourselves, and those with PW usually do, and he knows well, the false self.  So do most of us whose earliest first breath is attached to the womb and the next moment pushed out into a foreign world and away from our own creator/mother.

***please note:  this is, in no means a thesis on blame.  We have been loved by those in our lives.  It is about our inner world and our changed Self from the moment of surrender.  As well, some children raised by their natural parents can feel the same because they might have been rejected or abandoned, physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.  This is about the surrendered child, physically, that carries the Primal wound. ***

 Right from the moment of being lifted away from The Mother, we are wounded so deeply that there are cracks in who we were/are meant to be.  From that moment on, we are creating a sense of false self in a false world.  From that moment, the little soul knows it has been abandoned/given away/rejected and there is/can be a lifelong struggle with those very issues.  From that moment of ‘handing off’, no matter how good, how best, how better it might be, the wound is as deep as one’s very creation and our new creation is built around that wound.

Somehow, that little soul knows/sense that they were ‘not enough’.  We immediately do what newborns do and manipulate what we can, for food, for care, for nurturing.  Who knows what those months are before another mother replaces the unearthly void were like for such as us?  I know I had rickets, was malnourished, was way too tiny for my six months and the back of my head was flat from being left in a cot so much at the orphanage.  I had sucked a huge welt on my wrist out of hunger that was soul deep as well.  We learn, well, that love is something to work for, to wish for, to hope for, to try, by any means a new baby can try, to get someone to love us. And, because the very heartbeat of love and all that nourished us, is no longer heard, we remain wanting and destitute for it all the rest of our lives... unless, as in my case, given the opportunity, the grates bequeathing of one’s dearest secret wish, to lay one’s head on the breast of that deeply beloved and hear it once again.    We are so very vulnerable and we carry that vulnerability with us and do not ever gain deep levels of trust that reality and true living and love teaches us.  Most of us carry the sense of ‘Me against the World” mentality and a deep aloneness/loneliness abides in every cavern of our heart.  There is a sense of emptiness, isolation and even a sense of worthlessness that seeps into everything that means anything deep to us.  We are, maybe, unaware of being a false self and living in a false world because we are so busy trying to survive, overcome and hopefully, finding ways to thrive because of it all.

We tend to try to control more than we need to.  We tend to try to cover our fear of abandonment and rejection throughout our whole lives, unless we find a way to heal, or it finds us.  We seek every way possible to feel ‘loveable’.  We build an outer world that is not our inner world.  We do not have authentic reactions because of this dichotomy.  Our inner reality will seep through.  It becomes more an more difficult to let go, to surrender to things others find easy to do.  We can disconnect from those who we feel betrayed by, or those we feel are going to rejector abandon us.  We may even choose partners that will abandon us, physically, or emotionally.  We abandon ourselves over and over and over again to fit in to our false world.  We find it difficult to set boundaries because ours have ben crossed from the moment of our surrender by The Mother.  There are many many sub-reactions that belong to the wounded child.

To heal, we have to become aware of how the Primal Wound has worked/worked in the background of our lives; how we express that false self in that false reality; how we have dealt with themes of abandonment and rejection due to the Primal Wound.   We have to practice letting go, practice acceptance, practice surrendering until our authentic feelings respond.  Writing the story of my life truly had me become aware of this false self and life and the wonderment of it led me to research the Primal wound.  I saw it over and over again as I wrote and edited. 

We need to practice connecting to others.  We need to find the ways we are connected to all things.  I have gone further with this as I have found a way to have a personal connection with spirit.  I realized how easily I walked away.  It was not that they were not worth the work, it was my lack of knowledge about how I deserved better/deserved them in my life so that I could easily simply shut the door on relationships.  It was difficult to make deep connections and, if I did, and was betrayed (according to Inner Self or Outer Self) the ability to disconnect sharpened.  We have to practice trust.

Integrating the Inner Self with our Outer Self mans that we use the energy it took to hide our Inner Self in order to be accepted in the |Outer World.  We tend to have many inauthentic reactions and actions and becoming aware and then practicing “being real” slowly and gently with Self.  We will find, over and over again, that we get our validation from our Outer Life and Outer people, places and things.  Taking ownership of our feelings, of our choices, of our decisions, as ours, alone, will help us integrate without the drama, inner conflict, and the energy it took to try to hide False Self yet fulfill Inner Self.  Our, then, self-inflated sense of control we have in the world begins to deflate and we begin to own what we can own and embrace that False Self for its hard work for naught.  You are now rejecting and abandoning the False Self, itself as we learn to accept and surrender to authenticity. 

We will find that our Ego Self is very much a part of the False Self.  We will find that our ultra-sensitivity in our Inner Self will allow for us to not feel both Inner and Outer Self feelings at the same time and the two will become congruent.  We learn to feel our feelings and react from our truths rather than from the story life we have tried to create.  We learn that our Inner thoughts and feelings are skewed due to the Primal Wound and they became paramount above realities effect/affect on us.  We discover our true woundedness that we may have given different names.  We learn to heal our self instead of run from it.  We learn to explore our thought and reactions to see the truth in them, or not. 

Yes, we will always carry scars, but knowing them, intimately, can lead to great insights, and better and more authentic reactions, to the scarring as well as the reality that may be so new to us.  Simply knowing becomes healing.   In that healing will be many mountains and hills to climb, as well as many backslides.  The False Self/Ego is a strong, brave thing that has tried its best to help us survive, however badly we did that.  We can be led to see how our misconceptions belonged to a False Self. 

The Primal Wound comes from NOT being a blank slate for our story to be written upon.  It is already colored by self-imposed misconceptions due to the greatest loss a newborn can have.  I am grateful that my second Mother was such an angel soft spirit, a woman who loved, unabandoned, in spite of my ‘acting out’.  I am grateful for those in my life who did not abandon me.  I am grateful for being \found’ and given a second chance to know my birth mother and birth family.  I am grateful to understand the Primal wound in all of us and that allows me to accept that, if one rejects or abandons me, that it comes from their Primal Wound, not mine.

God bless us all for clinging those high-reaching mountains and for surviving those desperate drops only to begin again and again.  I am grateful I healed enough to know the soulmate of my life for however a short time until death took him and I had to work through deservedness yet again in that abandonment.  I did not do well, but became more and more aware of why I react the ways I do.  Healing from life comes from my healing my within.

The Fox teaches us how to survive, to figure things out for a win/win situation, to find the beauty of the butterfly and the simple surge of love for self can bring.   He teaches us that there is a false life that we may not have even been aware of creating.  Curiosity should lead us to know Self and to know the part of the False Self in our False Outer Life.  God bless all of you who have some sort of Primak Wound from whatever may have caused it.  We can survive, overcome and thrive. Much love,

©Carol Desjarlais 22.12.20