As we are enforced into bubbles of those in our house (two of us) and two other people who have their own bubble of two, I am, after all these months, taking the time to work on something that reared its ugly head from the past. I have always been a patter and a hugger and a toucher. I was told by a Medicine woman from the North that I have healing hands. I have seen, and felt, it happen with no control or instigation of my own. I know when someone is sucking energy from my hands. I know, typically, what it means and I have the training to draw upon to follow through. But this is not a typical thing for me not to want to be touched or hugged or patted either. I know the trigger(s) and I have the time now to work on them, although I have drug my feet because I think I should be able to have dealt with this with all the work I have done on Self. Suddenly there is a huge wall built around me, not a bubble at all.
Physical boundaries are typically a bubble around us that is personal space and we unconsciously know how far to stand away from others in a crowded area, how far away to sit, comfortably…social norms that are in our very DNA. We all do have our own personal boundaries as well. I happened upon a quote that really struck me, about personal boundaries: “How else will I know where you end and I begin?” (unknown author.
Boundaries are there for a reason. They were all about self preservation; about protection. Boundaries are not there to hold others away, to manipulate others, but are like liquid bubble around us that are in constant movement. Boundaries are about our energy in constant movement. While some call it ‘energy’, I have come to some conclusion in my own head that our spirit does not fit exactly in this plastic we call skin. It vibrates and sometimes it is a big beautiful balloon around us and sometimes it is shrunken like an overripe grape. Our personal health has a great deal to do with how vibrant and how much movement there is in our self-protective bubble.
It is why we do not like someone to point a finger near our face. It is why we are uncomfortable if someone sits too close to us. It is why we do not like the feeling of someone who reaches in to touch us when we do not know them. Are you conscious of how it feels when someone ‘invades’ your space?
In an ancient place in our brain is where our long-term memory has stored all our negative memories. In a moment of startle of some kind, we either freeze or we run like the devil is after us. We become no longer logical. Things are stored there like the distance between a sharp corner on a coffee table or how far in the rollers on the feet of the bed are underneath. It takes note of who is around us and how close they are in case we need fight or flight. It is where things like how to get food from plate to mouth. It holds our unconscious sense of space around us.
Did you know that when we are in public, that we have a public bubble where things can go on and we do not sense a loss of our own space. We have a deep sense of our personal space and there are some people who we can allow to be within that bubble. Then there is intimate space where a very select few can move in and touch, hug, pat, etc. We all have these boundaries and spatial awareness’s but most of us do not think, consciously, about.
Also, it is not just people and physical space because there are other spatial boundaries that have to do with culture, with experiences, with gender, with personalities. When stressed, we need more space. It can be a sense of invasion of any of our senses: a sound, a taste, a smell, a sight, for instances. Sometimes an interruption in a thought, or an activity can trigger alarm to our personal space monitor.
I know, when my personal space is overwhelmed, I feel irritable. I act irritable. It is hard to have positive thought while you are in the throes of feeling overwhelmed. I tend to withdraw and it is a good thing for I bark. I have not bitten yet, but when my lizard brain is in control who knows. In the meantime, I am working on having some solitude within this lockdown 24/7 life.... and it is winter and I cannot escape outdoors. I am demanded to have patience and it wears thin after all these months. All I can do is protect others from my unsettled feelings and not project them out into someone else’s space. Art. I art!
©Carol Desjarlais 11.12.20
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