The changes in our life are never more poignant than right now, when our very psyche is asked to drop some basic human needs and carry on. As we dampen our enthusiasm of gathering and greeting, we are losing so very much of what has been ‘normal’ basic joy and love and care and compassion. Oh, it is there, but it isolated and we are isolated, and what would usually help us make it, emotionally, through the long dark nights, is no longer there to cushion it all.
I am finding that memory is dulled as I numb it all to get through the restrictions. We are very much “one foot in front of the other” and I sense a general lack of spontaneity and fun and excitement and adventure that Christmas has always brought. I am reading about others having headaches, are, like me, losing sleeping habits, and, like me, a sense of underlying anxiety that dulls the senses because our Ego/psyche simply does not know what to do with this new reality.
Bright lights and window shopping and all the glow around us seems not to penetrate this deep sense of loneliness that is taking over. I am desperately looking for something to resurrect that old feeling, through substitution, so that Christmas eve will not be same old, same old, and just another day and night to get through.
The Zest in life is dissipating. Past rituals, and age-old familial and community and global ceremonies are not going to happen. It is a huge blow to those who wait for the biggest Winter Celebration that usually gives one the pep to make it on through a few more months of dark and cold. What is settling on me more and more as we head towards the end of this year and the beginning of next is that we are so very vulnerable and so very fragile and it is only going to take one tiny little speck of virus to get us. We are afraid of anyone who comes around us. We are afraid to go do our necessary shopping for essentials. We are leery of others that we would usually greet with a smile. Mask-wearing makes everything so impersonal. We become more suspicious. We feel defensive. All the negative reactions we promised we would not let ourselves feel, we are feeling or trying to extinguish.
Trying to stay busy when there is no one to share it with, as usual, is not worth doing. I find myself moving more and more into doing my art that tends to comfort me. I talk to my kids and my family, but it is just not the same. I am not a party person, but Christmas was one of those parties I did do and do it up full of beauty and light and comfort foods. We bought a turkey…turkey for two does not rally hardly seem worth it, but I shall. I bought some jigsaw puzzles to do Christmas Eve. I might buy some oysters for oyster stew that my dad always made Christmas Eve. Only he and I liked it so it was something sweet to do for there were not often times we had something like this in common. I do not know how on earth to feel close to anyone. I miss my kid’s energy and closeness. I am, as you can tell, not looking forward to it all and know it will be a huge letdown at the end of it all.
How are you managing this restricted season? Are you will to acknowledge that it is not all happy happy? For real, we can say, “I miss the old days”! And people saying, ‘It could be worse” simply does not cut it. This is personal and I am feeling it. There is a longing. I feel confused, right to my bones, trying to deal with the changes. Everything feels iffy and foggy. How about you?
©Carol Desjarlais 25.12.20
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