It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. -© Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Not many of us have not started over...and over.. and over, again. I have gone from throwing kid's clothes into black plastic garbage bags, spending 6 months in RCMP hiding, to moving every four years to another Reservation community to work, to packing up everything I owned, in another country, overnight, and flying home to Canada, then moving from one Province to another. Not too many moves were adventure. The worst was moving from Maine to Alberta, overnight, when Man Hands passed away and I broke. My daughter had to lead me by the hand to the airport and back to Alberta. That was the worst. Indeed, remaking life after trauma can be the hardest falling away. Been there, got the scars. What keeps one going when this happens...? When, even, one might not want to survive it?
We are such resilient beings. WE do not seem to be able to give up. I can't. No matter how tough it got, the tougher I became. At my lowest moment on this earth, when Man Hands five week battle and passing went on, I broke. I am serious. I broke, completely. Nothing on earth ever hurt me worse. I do not think I will ever be so hurt again. In fact, I brace myself against that kind of hurt. I am well aware of what could break me again and I am hoping I go first.
There are things that make us sad. There are things that wound us so deeply, but that is only surface things and we tend to get over them with strength drawn from people, places and things. Some things will never heal. We redefine ourselves and know when frustration hits a level that we can no longer sustain it. We learn, I learn, to back off for a bit so it does not move to wounding more. I learned self-love and self-compassion.
I am, constantly, learning to control what I can and allow non-control when I cannot. I realize, my poor daughter, that best friends can be best enemies. We have all been betrayed by such at some point in our lives. I can say, most times, I like myself and who I have become. Yes, there are some things I need work on, for sure, but even recognizing what needs work is taking a step forward... sometimes a huge leap. I have gained more and more confidence as I try try again. Sometimes fear of being hurt can immobilize us, but, if we did not care, it would not matter.
I refuse to let my mind control me...oh, that Evil Inner Witch! A great deal of mental junk only hinders us from knowing our inner strength and bravery. I am no good when things get clouded and fuzzy. I am not a fence sitter for very long before I jump off and make the best of a best choice. I try to maintain a positive attitude, sometimes that comes off as strength, but it is my weakness. Betimes, I have been crucified by those I was remaining positive about. But, I have always given people three chances. After the third chance I allow a relationship to simply fade away. Oh, I might mutter and sputter to myself and a close friend, but I still work at letting negative people go on without me. Sometimes we have to save ourselves.
Life down here on earth can be difficult...perhaps it was meant to be. I try to be open-minded and ask the WHY of things. I persevere by putting one foot in front of the other, come what may. I crave peace with self and others. I have only so much energy anymore and I want to expend that energy on things that truly matter. Fear is a huge factor in our lives and until we know the WHY we react so, we cannot control our fear. Something I always told my kids rings loud and clear in my today long after they have grown u0: "Are your guts hanging out, are you bleeding to death? Ok, so you can make it!" There is something in me that will not let life's troubles defeat me. I cannot give into fear or it will simply take over. The mind is a crazy thing. Sometimes it screams, "Give up! Give UP!" I own it. I cannot let my mind own me.
What sustains me is that I do not care if life ends now. Perhaps that is the key; the surrender and acceptance that I am okay with being done. Sometimes I am willing because I want to be done when things are going smoothly, before the next hard part. There is strength in that, for me. It is ok. I am ok. We will all be ok. Sometimes we can, mentally, give up but there is something deep inside that says, "Not Yet!" and a strength comes that we have not bidden.
We can choose different things to sustain ourselves. What kinds of things sustain you?
©Carol Desjarlais 6.29.19
Being aware of others fears and hurts . We all have them , they are ours. We can choose to be empathetic ,or we can ignore them as minimal in comparison . Point is everyone has faced them and dealt with them in Their own way. Being alive is something that sustains me. My sense of adventure is changing , like it or not. In some ways we are all damaged by trauma, is how we choose to deal with it is up to us. A hard heart may be needed for some. Not my choice . If we don't hurt at times we are not alive.Aging is all new for us one day your young the next not. Is seems rapid now. not slow moving as it once was. Finding the ways to cope is individual . Having the energy to understand others is also a choice , some do others don't. No one truly understands your grief , your hurt . That is personal. Our own to bare. I spent a life time trying to be understood. It is impossible. The key me thinks is to accept ourselves, be content with who we are with that must come some peace.
ReplyDeleteYes, we realize that vulnerability is in all of us. When it comes down to the line, we, and only we, can either be sustained, or not. Sometimes all I have is what sustains me. Sometimes small things sustain me. Just making a decision can help strengthen me. No one needs to know that we are struggling because, that too, is too personal, and no amount of coaching can help with that. We just have to deal with it for ourselves so we are empowered to simply stride on. In the end, it is only us... we take that last breath on our own. Acceptance is huge. We drop our expectations and judgements and simply stop breathing. I guess, bottom line, what sustains me is that I have been to that other place.. it is beautiful, so that one NO FEAR I have. I refuse to be bitter, angry or stuck on things of the past, but I learned some lessons along the way that have sustained me. I know my b9undaries and no matter how difficult, I have learned to walk away, even from a child, when it means saving myself with some kind of grace. I do not want a stunted soul, so that sustains me as well. When I let go of that cliff, I want to soar and nothing earthly should be impacting that... yes.. we all sustain ourselves, I think.
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