Once upon a time in ancient China, a man on a horse rode past a man standing on the side of the road. The standing man asked, “Rider, where are you going?” The man on the horse answered, “I don’t know. Ask the horse.” - author unknown
Sometimes our minds are so focused on need that we forget to honor that which we take the life of. Every step we take, every bite we eat, was something living in some aspect. How do we know when enough is enough and how do we restrain ourselves from taking, so lightly, that which gives up their life for us. In the 'not too ancient times' a prayer was said to honor that which was taken. Even today, some remember to give wildlife gratitude for giving its life, every clutch of sweetgrass or sage is honored. I try to remember this when I am doing something traditional, but I forget to honor things the way I should in everyday life.
How do we change our mindset to one of pure gratitude? How do we not become murderers? Surely we have had cause, all of us, and yet, we do not even consider it. Yet, Mother Earth is so hurt. How do we adjust our minds to truly living a grateful gentler life?
I cannot say I was a rebellious child, but I was spontaneous, sometimes without thought. My father said my mouth would get me into trouble. It did! My father said I never learned from other's mistakes. I learned how to after many attempts. As I aged, I became more adamant that those who said they were authority deserved it. I still feel that way to a point. At some point I removed myself from having to deal with that. I have learned to restrain myself, mostly.
I seldom lash out at someone any more, but I have. It was a habit I had to restrain. I have learned to think about things first, and by the time I think on them, life has moved on to something else.
I need a lot of self-regulation. I do not necessarily hold things in, I move away from drama and chaos so that I can think things out. I can be a procrastinator when it comes to filling out forms. Forms! Why? I have no clue, but I put it off til the twelfth hour. Self-sabotage!
I reacted, the other day, to a message from someone dear. I thought I was being derided for something I had no idea about. I became defensive and just had to have my say. I said it nicely but needn't have said it at all. It wasn't ALL About Me. Geesh! I went through twenty emotions (Evil Inner Witch mode) before I cooled down enough to ask why. Lord knows, a younger me would have ridden all over the person who sent the message. Miscommunication happens often in messaging I have found. Now I know that, I will think longer and harder about it not being about me and not being what Ego might think it is about. Restraint is needed, indeed and thank goodness.
I do not repress until I feel a victim. That is too easy. I am learning to take all things I can, into consideration, before I leap off into a wild run-away. I am learning to jsut walk away, as well. I am like my grandfather's horse that chewed on his bit until he wrecked some of his teeth. Yes, that has been me betimes.
I have accumulated a great deal of guilt and shame over my lack of restraint. I know how awful it feels when I do not, so I work hard to be grateful for time spent thinking things over before I act. When I feel myself getting ready to race, I have learned to slow it down, and most times I do not flinch but take time to sort the feelings out. I am grateful I am learning this and I suppose it will be a lifetime of restraint because my reflex is to protect self from hurt and then find out it hurt someone else.
I do not know where the fine balance between not wanting to hurt anything and eating comes in to play. I try not to waste anything that could be eaten. I try to remember to be grateful, I do. But, we cannot live without eating, so, whatever we choose needs to be honored. Most Native Americans believe that they could not take down a deer or a moose unless that animal was willing to give up its life for us. This is why they show great gratitude. I cannot eat wild meat anymore and I cannot eat fish. It turns my stomach to think of it because, if it is not a native person giving or offering it to me, I know that honor has not been given to the animal. That is a huge part of it.
I know some people who actually get horsemeat from Vancouver. I could not eat that. I could not eat dog ( but I did go to a ceremony which gave dog soup for a women's ceremonial meal and the dog had been raised for a year given correct food to eat and was honored every day of its life for that which it would offer.) Why do we so quickly eat beef and pork and lamb without thought? I think we have lost our respect for these things because they are so normal to eat. even the vegetables and fruits that we eat were once living things. I, often forget to honor it. How did we lose that? How did we lose the respect to be grateful for such?
The only way I can restrain myself for taking living things, for treating things as mundane, for using a sharp tongue against someone, is to continue to learn to restrain myself and know there is always a lesson in the drama others might offer, the authentic gratitude for every bite I put in my mouth, for every living thing that goes into making the clothes we wear, the shoes we wear, the many things I take for granted. Without living things offering up their lives, what would we humans have left?
I had to learn the difference between restraint and control. When I am restraining myself, the control is within. I, alone, can be grateful in some way, for that which I approach as a lesson, as something for my survival. Oh, to be grateful.
What does restraint mean to you?
©Carol Desjarlais 6.14.19
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