The Ache

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

What do we ache for physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually?  Oh, we get the emotional aches because we tend to focus on them. But what attention do we give to the other areas of our life?

Physically, I know that I crave carbs, as I am a new diabetic.. ok, not new, but newly found out to be.  When I am hurting, I know my body screams for something, anything, to numb it and I tend to feed it my own selection comfort food items.  Most often it is popcorn.  I know my energy level is simply not the same, and since I stopped having mints throughout the day, my energy level has dropped significantly.  I was borrowing energy.  As well, since I stopped sugar, my neuropathy is way worse at nights.  I have been over a month clean now, of sugar, and I rarely use any white sugar at all.  I have tried using Splenda, but I have noticed it leaves a funny taste in my mouth afterwards (even the non-sugar water flavorings do the same).  Some days, with nothing sweet ( as in fruits, etc.) I can sleep all day.  My body seems to have gone into some kind of sugar-addict withdrawals.  It is not the way I was, full of energy.  It concerns me.   I ache to climb mountains, to walk around lakes, to dig into the ground in off-sites looking for semi-precious stones.  Cannot!  I guess, I just crave sleep.  I ache for energy enough to last the day, some days.  Age is taking its incremental toll.   I ache to make sure that I get to make choices about my end of days.  I ache for reasons I do not understand, but try to make connections to.

Intellectually, I have constant cravings and aches.  I have this incredible drive to know more.  It is like having a last feast every day.  I research, I think, I research some more.  I have an ache to know more than my brain can handle some days.  

And, of course, I have emotional cravings, like everyone else.  I, too, want to learn to mellow out.  I want to feel peace.  I ache to get out of my own head and be of worth to something, someone, some place in the world.  I want no drama.  I want to be around people who do not make me feel ill at ease and full of problems I cannot solve.  I have my own problems to solve.  I want to do more than feel on the edge of falling out or falling over.  I want to continue surviving so I can overcome and thrive.  I do not want to be an emotional burden on anyone else.  

Spiritually, soulfully, I ache to be of value to others, more than I ever wanted to be for myself.  I know I ache to be involved in cultural, ceremonial, activities again.  A few months and I can, again, move into being more active.  I need to social/spiritual connections.  I feel the crave and the ache for my soul to be fed that which it knows fits my soul the best.

As aging occurs, and it seems to be happening so quickly some days, like a lagging computer, there are things that I feel like an ache that covers all areas of being human.  I see my social groups gatherings coming less and less and I so miss having feasts at my house and a houseful of laughter and love and interactions.  I know we can do whatever we want, but sometimes that has to align with others who wish to, as well.  I have a sense of stepping aside and letting the younger ones take over, and I do not resent that at all.  It feels like that is what one should do.  Yes, sometimes we ache for it not to have to be so, but we also know it is as it should be.  We lose our roles as we age.  Our roles change.  We learn to move into those different roles:  not less a role, really, just a different way of being in those roles.  I am certainly aware of the struggle of ego as I do so.  I no longer truly ache , the way the young do, to be of use, to be valued, to be needed.  We have filled so many other people, places, things, needs all our life.  It seems to lose its desirability; that being of use thing.  

Now the things that I seem to ache for are not the neediness of the immature.  We are mature.  Someday I feel overripe.  I am shocked that I am the age I am.  I celebrate I have made it this far.  I, and I am not the only one, ache to, some days, just be done with all the struggle, the waiting.  I think most of us have defied our own expectations and, suddenly, we have become aware of that.  We ache to simply be and that ache is not nearly as painful.

What do you notice you ache less for, as you age?  What do you ache for, in each of the areas of being human?

©Carol Desjarlais 6.18.19