Entitlement

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'-© Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I think, somehow, human beings have developed a sense of entitlement.  We are human, we try and we fail or succeed, but either way, do we rationalize even our failures and wear them as a badge, or do we learn the lesson from not quite succeeding?

noun: entitlement:  the fact of having a right to something; the amount to which a person has a right; the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

There is a difference between self-confidence and entitlement.  There is a difference between self-absorption and entitlement.  And, yes, there is a time for entitlement in certain situations in that we do deserve basic human rights, etc.  But thee is always the positive and the negative and the negative of entitlement is that we want something without deserving it, or earning it, and without doing what is necessary to gain something.  When we get something without doing the work to earn it, we do not appreciate it.  We have all seen this when people get handouts, for free;  it is not respected as it should be and people lose respect as well. Surely we have all received something that we just did not feel we earned.  There is not nearly as much joy in it.  I had a situation where the gift was unbelievably heavy because I am so danged independent and do not want to burden by asking for things.  When I received, I felt so much responsibility that I could not enjoy the gift.  It was a horrible feeling but so greatly grateful for it.  It was a strange place for me to do for I worked hard for anything I got.  I will forever feel indebted for it and no way to ever give back such a gift.  I am sure you have felt the same betimes.

I am sure we have all met people who think everything is unfair, the bureaucracy is demonized, any authority is rebelled against.  Yet, they are on some sort of subsidy or social services.  They seem to decry more about unfairness.  They feel controlled.  They seem to feel punished.  Yet, they forget the gift of it and be grateful and show gratitude.  Is it that they do not feel they deserve it, do they truly deserve it?  It is a hot topic, to be sure.

We are privileged to be down here on earth.  Yes, we work hard at being the right kind of human being.  Yes, we work hard to keep our heads above water.  Yes sometimes we question if it is worth it.  But we learn to be patient, we learn to be considerate, we learn to earn what we receive and work for what we want.  We learn that we are not the center of everyone else's worlds and we are unique (not special) or more special than anyone else, and we learn we are full of wants and needs we have to fulfill ourselves.

I know I am coming from entitlement when I refuse to compromise (to forgive, for instance).  I know sometimes I want respect when it has not been earned yet.  (This was a huge thing for me when I was in the educational arena.  The boys were told they had to take their hats off to show respect towards teachers, etc.  And, yet, those students had imprinted their identity on those hats - there was beading, feathers, beautiful handwork that set them apart and showed some of their unique personality.  Sometimes the most lost kids had the most beautiful unique beading and work on their caps.  I bucked the system and the boys were able to wear their hats around me: Such an antiquated protocol.)  Do we, the freedom fighters of the sixties, impose Victorian etiquette on others because we might be in a position of authority?  Hmmm, something to consider.

I am pretty sure, if we overstep our entitlement bounds, we have had people misunderstand us, become defensive towards us, and/ or feel offended by us.  Just because we think we are special and our parents told us we were special, does not mean we are better than anyone else.  Was that 'loved' instead of 'special'?  Not everyone, ever, will ever always love us.  We have learned that. 

I know that artists and creative people of all kinds border on craving attention, support, affirmation from others when we share our work.  Are we sharing to help others see what is possible or impossible?  Or, are we looking for simply affirmation that our work is awesome?  There is a fine line.  I know that I share mine for critique and to show others that one can do art no matter how gifted we might think we are or aren't.  I have shown what I do since I first started doing art for myself once I retired.  Some of that stuff surely keeps me humble.  In fact, some of my latest stuff keeps me humble.  Oh, is humbleness a sign we are not feeling entitled?

I always refused to be Principal or Vice Principal because I was a great frontline person.  I am great at being a helper bee rather than a queen bee.  I guess we should know our limitations:  Each to our own.  Sometimes positions of authority can ruin us. We see it over and over in higher positions where authority equals a right to be a bully of sorts.  We see it in children in the park.  We see it when parents may demand unrealistic/unhealthy attitudes and things of children. I will ever be sorry for telling my fourth daughter to "smile; be happy girl!"  when she was unhappy about something and it was inconvenient for me.  I have told her I was sorry for it and she forgave me.  I have learned to forgive myself in that I encouraged authentic feelings.  Her teaching me made me have a better gift to give to those who are suffering or sad.  It goes beyond the home, for sure, and we see it in society all the time.  Entitlement.

Self-pity is the dressing gown of Entitlement.  Of course, we can have moments of self-pity but we do not impose that self-pity on others, or we should not.  Bullying, vanity, untruths all are part of the dressing of someone who feels entitled.  Even to believe we 'deserve' happiness and success without consideration of how that entitlement might make others feel.  I am always struck when we say, after a bad accident where some lose their lives, that one that lived was "blessed'.  I am struck because it infers the ones who lost their lives were not.  I am sure many times, that is not meant, or that we are not conscious of how trite clichés are, betimes.

If it costs someone else, do not do it.  Those who feel entitled often do not care at what cost they create on others.  They are the type of people who can consciously or unconsciously create their own happiness in passive ways so that it becomes manipulation to feed their own desires.  There seems to be no black of white to entitlement in that others are either competition or threatening to stand in the way of wants and needs.    It is so easy to take more than we give and to do so constantly leaves you in debt not ahead of people, places and things.   How easily we could slip in to entitlement as we plod our way through life.  We all have flaws and frailties and some of us feel entitled without realizing that we have moved our scale a bit too far to the left.  Entitlement is a type of narcissism, a very difficult trait and not always is the entitled aggressive about it. 

Let us be self-aware enough to realize when the memememe is more important than anything else and we have such just reasons...but they may not be jsut to anyone but us.  Let us guard ourselves well in analyzing what expectations we have and why and if they are just.  Sometimes we need to take a really good look at what we expect from others and realize we need to expect the same for us.  If we can do these things, be just, kind, compassionate, and centered not within our own expectations but centered on how others might need and how to compromise.  Compassion and empathy are huge and celebrating others is huge as well.  Let us always celebrate others and share in that happiness we give.  

Love ourselves so we can love others.  We can all change.  We are changing every millisecond we breathe.  We can work at being whole and whole-world centered because what is put out into the ether is what will return.  Time and time again, lessons return to test our authenticity and whether we are not self-accepting, self-loving or whether we might just be tipping the scale into entitlement. 

Lots to think upon.

©Carol Desjarlais 6.26.19