Standing in the Fire

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back. -© Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I think love makes us reflexive...in that, what you immediately do either shows love, instantly, or not.   

A while ago, my sister told a story about how someone had insulted my her.  My reaction was vehement and immediate.  I would have gone to battle for her right then, right there, if that person had been in front of me.  It was a slow burn and even now I can feel myself ready to do battle over it.  In fact, I do not think my sister was as insulted as I was.  I still find, when I think of it, that my immediate thought was, "How DARE she say such a thing to you!"  Everything in me wanted the gratification of telling that person off and big-time so she would never think to try to insult my sister again.  See, that is what love is.  It was not thought out, it was immediate reaction.  Yes, I would stand in the middle of a fire with her if she were in one.  She would do the same for me.

There are not many people we would do such for.  I would do that for my children, without thought, but friends?  Perhaps a few, but not many.  I am always one who really works on stopping and thinking the WHY of something, or someone's actions. 

I remember being told in a church meeting, once, a long, long time ago, that the day might come when we had to allow our children to suffer as it might be god's plan.  (Another wedge in that religion for me.)  No way!  No how!  No why!  I would simply give my life.  My kids know that.  I never ever spanked my kids and I was not about to let anyone else either.  An adult hit my youngest son, out of the blue.  Like a ravaging bear I attacked and that adult was so shocked but was known to be a violent man.  Afterwards, when I got that person out of the house, my young child said to me, "Mom, you would have died for me!" Yes.  Yes I would have.  My kids got so they would not tell me some of their stuff because I defended them to the law.  But, they knew my depth of loyalty to them.  Love is reflexive.

It is not that I do not think anyone can be wrong, or that things might have been said or done in a totally different perspective.  I am a defender of those I love.  In my work, I defended my 'kids" as I called my students.  And, many times I had to because many of them had violent histories within the system, within the community.  I always gave everyone three chances.  On the third time that they repeated something I could not agree with, and I had figured out the why and done the counseling to change that, then I would quietly withdraw.  One time I was retrieving a teenager who had a violent history, justice interception and referrals, and yet, when I met with him and his family, I saw something in him, felt something in him, and I had to do battle to let him be included in the retrieval program.  I was called to the main school office to meet with the principal.  He was all set to tell me that the young man could not be on school grounds.  I could tell, while talking, that the Principal had a closed mined and I knew the only way I was going to win for this boy was to talk psychological jargon.  I started off on talking about Multiple Personality, which I got a clue of when interviewing the boy.  I used all the specific language and spoke of methods and support of a MP Specialist I was friends with who would help train me to work with this boy.  Ok, the boy was 17 years old, taller than me, and could be very aggressive.  I kept on and on about braiding weak personalities with the strong positive personalities... blah blah blah until finally the Principal said, Ok.  Ok, you know your stuff.  You win!  I quietly turned directly to look at him because I had been 'pretty' adamant, and he said, "You guys are all the same.  You F.... with heads and you just f...ed with mine."  I said, "Yes, I did, was it as good for you as it was for me?"  We laughed until tears streamed.    And he said, well, Mother Theresa is going to be gone soon and they will need someone to take her place."  LOL... I left, telling him, "I did not win.  You did not win, but that boy is going to!"  And the boy did and he was the most interesting kid I ever worked with who opened up to me so wide that I was able to start braiding his personalities together.  I put him in vulnerable positions and saw him come, one time to the skiing adventure, with his pants up under his armpits and suspenders, and slobbering.  He was so vulnerable that Little D came instead of Doom or Big D.  Oh Doom was some kind of scary.  But, before he graduated out of my class he handed me a notebook full of writing from one personality to another; complete with the different language levels, and writing levels, for the corresponding personalities.  He taught me way more than I taught him.  I was driven to be of help to those 112 kids I eventually retrieved in those four years I piloted the program I had written for the Government and personalized for each community I was in.   Defended those kids right to the court rooms where a judge would say, "Well, if you are in her program that means you have a better chance of changing than being put in the Juvenile Center."  So much responsibility, but when I bought in to caring about those kids, I bought into defending them as well.  And, by the way, I had some I could not work with, some I would not work with.  I knew my limitations.  They had to show me they were worthy of me defending them.  I put my job on the line to defend what I believed of them, many times throughout the years.

So, how do we know who we would stand in the fire with?  Apparently it is not blood family.  Apparently it is not just within the home and family.  Apparently it has something to do with unconditional, yet, conditional love.  It isn't just the stranger on the street, but a stranger in the home.  That is pretty heavy duty; to say, and to risk, standing in the fire with someone.  

Who and in what circumstances would you stand in the fire with?

©Carol Desjarlais